This week, we start off by giving praise to Aunjanue Ellis for her role in the new film, 'King Richard,' and we ask how the hell Adele gets her hands on our diaries every album. Then, we share our hot take about our true feelings for Thanksgiving. Remember this is a safe space, y'all. Finally, we give advice to a few listeners on their holiday season dilemmas.
Okay, Time For a Hot Take on Thanksgiving
Scottie BeamYou're listening to, OK, now, listen, a biweekly show where we chat about what's on our minds, what we're binging and what's blowing up our timelines. I'm Scottie Beam, a media personality, content creator, music enthusiast, and a wing connoisseur. And on top of that, I’m a ginger girl now! Alright?
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah!
Scottie Beam And you will refer to me as such. Scottie Ginger Beam is my name.
Sylvia O’Bell Okay, we will refer to you as that moving forward.
Scottie Beam Thank you.
Sylvia O'Bell Encourage you. Noted. And I'm Sylvia Obel, culture writer, host, producer, lover of Beyonce. And yes, I am still blond and will be blond for the foreseeable future.
Scottie Beam I don't know. I'm feeling like Sylvia, Gingers may have more fun because I am having a great time.
Sylvia O’Bell Oooh! Not the blonde vs. redhead!
Scottie Beam As a redhead now, you know? Truly, it's been a joy, and it's been a few days, but I am having the best time ever with it. I mean,
Sylvia O'Bell It looks great on you, sis, like, all your undertones is toning, right, it’s breaking them out!
Scottie Beam The black girls with red hair though, that we really need to speak about. Red hair, had a chokehold on us in high school. We cannot ever forget that all. All of us.
Sylvia O'Bell It did happen, the 90’s were real. I mean, and the early 2000s, you're right.
Scottie Beam And the early 2000s, remember when you had that red dye wash, you could wash it out your hair? I used to have that. Put that in my hair.
Sylvia O’Bell The rinse.
Scottie Beam Get that Allen Iverson. Yep, the rinse! That’s what it’s called.
Sylvia O'Bell They were not permanent, and they would wash out after like twice.
Scottie Beam Yes, it was time for a change for the autumn time.
Sylvia O'Bell You were saying you were getting bored with your hair.
Scottie Beam I'm going to give this autumn look a see through. I want to be able to see it through to the next year. You know?
Sylvia O'Bell I wanna see it through. All right. If I think it's good for the winter, for the colder months, it’ll be cute.
Scottie Beam Thank you.
Sylvia O’Bell All right. What, what else have you been up to this weekend, though, besides changing your hair color on us?
Scottie Beam I went to go see King Richard, Sylvia La'Qwanda O’Bell, let me tell you something about Aunjanue Ellis.
Sylvia O'Bell Talk about it. Say her name. Say her name!
Scottie Beam I know we're giving Will Smith all the things and everybody, all of thing. Everybody did a great job. Everybody came to work. I love to see it.
Sylvia O’Bell They understood the assignment, all of them.
Scottie Beam Absolutely. But Aunjanue,
Sylvia O’Bell Aunjanue!
Scottie Beam My girl is in the moments. You hear me? In it. You can’t tell me that ain't Serena and Venus mother. You can't tell me now! And the thing is, every time she performs and she, she does this, she takes over a new role, and I don't see her as the last role anymore. She, like, it sticks onto her so much. Like she was Hippolyta to me just a few weeks ago.
Sylvia O'Bell Yeah, but she says, catch up! We’re going somewhere new.
Scottie Beam Hello!
Sylvia O'Bell I’m gonna embody that one as well.
Scottie Beam She takes me on a journey every fucking time. And it's just, it's so great to watch and I know everybody, she's like under appreciated, she’s unappreciated and all these other things, but she's appreciated here on OK, Now Listen.
Sylvia O’Bell Sure is.
Scottie Beam We love you. We know you. We see you. I love you. You made me cry girl. I was crying.
Sylvia O'Bell I was in tears most of the movie because I saw it when I was profiling Venus for Cosmo.
Scottie Beam I like to point out that Sylvia saw it like six months ahead of us.
Sylvia O'Bell Like July. It like, let me tell you, Warner Brothers, they wasn't playing with me. I had to go to the lot. I had to sign a lot of contracts.
Scottie Beam Oooh, yes, exclusivity!
Sylvia O'Bell They had a little theatre in there, I had to sit there. It wasn't color corrected yet, but the acting didn't need that. I'm telling you without the details it still hits! the emotions still hit, okay! And I was in tears and I didn't know if I was in tears at the time because it was like when I like, as an empath especially like when I profile somebody like I'm in them, like I'm in their story. I had just talked to Venus. I'm researching all this, so to see everything she was telling me played out on screen, because the movie focuses so much on her because she was the one who led them in, that it was, I was just emotional. I was like, I was just crying the whole time and I'm like, Whoa, I am over here like Scottie, why am I crying like this?
Scottie Beam Oh, yeah.
Sylvia O’Bell But like it was Aunjanue, and you said it like she knows us. It's literally like, that's what she brings to the character that the other girls don't always bring. She knows us, she knows the Black woman that she plays each time. It's like she spends time making sure all their duality, all their complexities. She masters that shit. OK? It's like, you live this? You live this? That's crazy, because I see it. That’s, wow, like. But there's like two big scenes of hers. I think for me, it's like when she walks across that street.
Scottie Beam Mm hmm.
Sylvia O’Bell To that neighbor, those who have seen it, know what I mean. There was that, she said, Move aside, Richard, it's my turn. It's my turn now because these are my girls. OK, mother to mother. We're going to have a conversation about this.
Scottie Beam I know not everybody has seen the film, but just notice the work that mothers do even when there is a lot of appreciation for the father going on, how the mother doesn't need all of that because what she's doing, what she has going on is for the family. You know, a lot of moms just don't get the credit. They don’t get the credit.
Sylvia O'Bell Yeah, because it's just expected of us. More so than the men and the fathers.
Scottie Beam The tribe is on our back.
Sylvia O’Bell They’re like, “yeah of course the mother did it.” When it should be, of course both of them did it. Of course it should be mutual.
Scottie Beam Exactly.
Sylvia O'Bell But, hey, you know, that's another topic for another time. And then that kitchen scene, y'all know the one.
Scottie Beam Let me tell you something, almost stood the fuck up. I almost stood up right in that chair in the movie theatre. I had to get the full feeling.
Sylvia O’Bell Oh so you went to the movie theatre, okay?
Scottie Beam Yes I did.
Sylvia O'Bell I love that.
Scottie Beam And I almost put the popcorn to the side and said, Now you know, now you know, you live this because this is crazy. I didn't know they was going to go there.
Sylvia O'Bell And they did. They said, This is how we going to do it, because, you know, the family was involved in the movie so they only let us go there a little bit, but we went.
Scottie Beam A little bit.
Sylvia O'Bell And we went where we needed to sprinkled it on top, gave us that razzle dazzle. I think overall, though, what's just so beautiful to me is like this is how a family should be. And it was seeing a unit as far as, like coming together to help their kids achieve their dreams. That type of sacrifice is something, especially when you don't have the privilege to sacrifice and do it anyway. It's huge, and I think so much of their success is because their family held them down from the beginning, and they're always, they’re always quick to say so. So I love that this movie really showed how much their sisters and their mom and their dad played such a part in their success and why it feels like a family success to them.
Scottie Beam Oh, I loved it. I loved it so much. Please go out and see that movie. Sylvia, what else did you do this weekend?
Sylvia O'Bell Let me talk to you about something. You want to talk about emotions. I want Adele to listen the fuck up, because this 30 album, this 30, and she always comes for our age. That's the thing. Adele, be reading me because I'm always like a year or the exact year around the age of the album. And this bitch had the nerve to take her little fingers into every one of our diaries and journals and take out that content and make the most emotionally beautiful, complex, vulnerable lyrics that I have heard in a minute. I'm talking about just the pen. Scottie, talk about the pen. I know you had feelings about this pen because we have specific songs that we like and we will name them. I just want to say the overall project? A journey.
Scottie Beam I initially thought it was a personal attack, I’m not gonna hold you Adele. I thought you really had some problem with me and I almost like, I was, I was like, does this bitch, like, really want to fight? Because the writing was so on point, I had to look under my bed in my closet, check if my voice notes were on, because the way that she was reading me
Sylvia O'Bell She hacked into Siri. Had to be.
Scottie Beam “I Drink Wine?”
Sylvia O'Bell That's the one.
Scottie Beam Almost had me jump out of this window, because, and I'm thankful, Adele, for not releasing this during the pandemic, like while we were locked in because girl?
Sylvia O'Bell That was a public service to the community in general that Adele did there.
Scottie Beam OK. Yes. Yes. I actually put off listening to this album because I knew the way that Adele's pen goes. It was going to put me in a feeling that I still had to go outside. I still had to show my face, so I was like, You know what? Let me just put this off for a little bit and then, you know, get myself together. And also, like, you know, when the periods come and you're like, Hey, PMS is real. I don't want to put this on everybody. I start to feel a lyric, lyrics a little bit deeper than what they should be.
Sylvia O'Bell I've been, I went through three divorces on this album and I've never been married.
Scottie Beam Exactly.
Sylvia O'Bell By the end of it, I said, Whoa, divorces rough, ain’t it? Like I don’t!
Scottie Beam Listen, when I was listening to “The Little One,” I thought I had a child.
Sylvia O'Bell Those voice memos! And then she brought the baby, she put the baby on the track. Asking his mama what's wrong, and her having to explain. I was in the glass case of my emotions. I really was that Will Ferrell gif in uh, Anchor Man. I was like, “I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF MY EMOTIONS!” Can we talk about, OK, the bad bitch that is “To Be Loved?”
Scottie Beam Oh man.
Sylvia O'Bell “To Be Loved?” That's the one that had me, like, I signed papers the other day like, I was your lover and your secretary working every day of the week is “To Be Loved.”
Scottie Beam Every day of the week.
Sylvia O'Bell This is, I said, OK, not gonna cry, the Adele version, when she just, she lets her, and you know it's purposeful when she lets her voice crack. Because Adele don't do that. But that's how much pain she was in, and she wanted you to feel it when she kept saying over and over again how she tried and she tried and she tried. Anybody whose had to leave a relationship knows that pain. She captures it so well. And just even talking about the concept of to be loved and loved at the highest count means that you have to lose all of the things that you can't live without.
Scottie Beam I love all of them, but the, this last one threw me for a loop just when I thought we were good. Like, “Hold On,” I think is the second to last. And I was like, Whoo! All right.
Sylvia O'Bell “Hold On,” was good.
Scottie Beam I made it out. But then this bitch gon put on “Love is a Game.”
Sylvia O'Bell Love is a game for fools. Mm hmm.
Scottie Beam And it talks about this girl, well, it talks about her and people like me who already saw themselves as difficult to love and see it as a game and then get really hard on themselves with like figuring out like, I'm incapable of, like loving correctly and doing this right. It must be a game. And when I tell you I was in the Uber bawling. Bawling.
Sylvia O'Bell Yes, it's just it's the complexities of heartbreak. And just, in such a, it was healthy. You know, a lot of times like this breakup musical like this heartbreak music is like feels like toxic, right? And it's like she managed to do it in a way that didn't feel toxic. It's like, Oh, this is like the people-who've-been-in-therapy break up album. Right? And I loved it. Like, it's like the emotional maturity was there. And like even taking accountability for her part in it, not making it seem all one sided, like it's there. And I'm so thankful for Adele's vulnerability because it's life changing and it's and it's made a lot of people feel seen. My particular song is “Woman Like Me.” That's me, that's my journal. And I say complacency. Talk about it. Talk about it. Consistency is what? That's what a bitch like me needs. You're correct. I feel like that was just like anybody who's been in a situationship where the person will not. What are you going to do, sir? What's happening? Oh, you don't know. All right. Well bye. Love the representation there for the people with standards. I love the range of the songs. There was even some, like nice little flirtatious ones and all of those things. But Adele, bitch, you've done it again. And for me, this is my favorite. This might be my favorite Adele album. Like 21 was my favorite, before this, I have to give, I have to give it some more time. I have to give it some more time.
Scottie Beam 19. I still, I'm a big 19 fan, but you may be right, Sylvia.
Sylvia O'Bell Well, we already know that this episode is coming out on Thanksgiving. I am currently prepping for my family to come into town. So we do want to talk a bit about Thanksgiving, and we have a bit of a hot take that we want to share with you all about this holiday. We're about to test the safe space thing again. I'm a little hesitant because we all know how Crooklyn went for me, but we're going to see if we can really tell you all how we're feeling again this time. I'm going to come back because that's what relationships about. Imma try y’all again. OK? If y'all attack me again, it might be, this might be the last time I open up, but we're going to talk to you about how we're feeling and let the people know Scotty. Let it, let them know what our hot take is, please.
Scottie Beam All right, guys. Here you go. Hold on tight. Thanksgiving is too damn much. You hear me? It is too much pressure to have good plans. It's too much of a production. Is too much forced awkward family time with niggas you only see once a year. So it's just it's too fucking much to me. And also to Sylvia,
Sylvia O'Bell Just to us!
Scottie Beam It’s a little much!
Sylvia O'Bell We’re just here to represent.
Scottie Beam It's not necessary.
Sylvia O'Bell We just want to talk about why we don't really fuck with Thanksgiving like that. We're here to represent the small minority of people who may feel the same. And this has nothing to do with us not liking food because you know me and Scottie like to eat. so it’s not that.
Scottie Beam Yes. This has nothing to do about the yams.
Sylvia O’Bell But that’s probably the only good thing about thanksgiving to us. So yeah, we're going to, you know, talk, delve deeper into why we feel the way we feel. And we'll also be giving advice to some listeners about their own holiday season dilemmas.
Scottie Beam Exactly. So let's get into it because it's time. I'm not scared of y’all!
Sylvia O'Bell So to start off, I have to say that growing up, I was always invested in the idea of like, the Thanksgiving and even holiday dinners that we see in the movies. Like I love holiday movies, this time of year is my favorite. Like, I live for this, but I personally didn't have a big extended family here in America, always because my parents are first gen. So like, sad to say that my grandparents are not here, they're not here in America. I have one uncle, a singular uncle and aunt who are here. I have, I do have a good amount of cousins, but they kind of were coming here as we were growing up and all of these things. But, mostly all of my Thanksgivings were always like before my parents got divorced. We would like maybe go to like my godparents house for Thanksgiving. I even remember, like a couple of Thanksgivings we would have at various homes that we've lived in. But the thing is, my family moved around a lot, too. And so I think because, I think when your family comes in very like nomadly into America, like as nomads it’s kind of like there's no base of like, Oh, this is where we go all the time. My dad also is no longer here in America. So like, usually I'm with my mom and my sister, always like, that's the base. Like I know, especially after my parents split up when I was like, I guess maybe 14, 15 is when they got divorced. Then Thanksgiving kind of transitioned to, OK, like, we're going to have friends. We're going to do our friends, like my mom's friends' homes, who kind of always take us in. You know, like, the kind of people who would be like, what my kids would be like to you, Scottie, like if I had kids or whatever, you know, like, OK, we're going on to Scottie’s or like, you know, like and it's like they have kids and like, those are like my play cousins and family and all of those people who we spend most of the year with anyway. Like, you know, sometimes people would take us in in that way and it would always feel nice. Or then my mom remarried and sometimes we would go to like his family's house. Thanksgiving has never I've never had a consistent tradition, but you know, it's always been changing. And then even in these last two years, it's really just been my mom and my sister and I like, you know, last year they came to L.A. because I was out here, but it was a pandemic. And, you know, we just went to one of my friend's house, shout out to Kelly, out here. And you know, this year is going to be just the three of us too. Like, it's just kind of been, we're not a huge, it's just the three of us. I don't have kids yet. You know, my sister is eight years younger than me, so she just got out of college and it's like, you know, it's my mom. So I think that, I think the idea of the pressure that I sometimes feel that it has to look a certain way because I do like that.
Scottie Beam I was going to ask you, how did that make you feel when that transition happened, where your parents had split up and you were like, OK, now we have a different idea of what Thanksgiving looks like? Now it looks a bit differently. Did you yearn for the old, or something different or anything like that?
Sylvia O'Bell I think I always yearned a bit for like a closeness, like fully big extended family closeness. Like the few times I would go back, like the few times I've been to Kenya or Nairobi, and I would see, like, that's the one time I began to see my mom's side of the family. And they're big and they have, you know, these things. But obviously, Thanksgiving is not a holiday out there. But like, I would be like, Dang, I never got to experience this. I don't know like, Grandma’s Thanksgiving cooking is not a thing I've ever experienced, it’s always something I've wanted to, you know, I mean? I wish I had more cousins my age that were like a thing so that like all of the, the, the fun stuff and the funny jokes and the Twitter with #BlackFamilies hashtag. I always feel like I'm like, I only get to experience that often through friends, like when I go to friends homes for Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the friends who have become family to us. Who do, you know, give us that experience. But I do think, like, it's a very Black American Thanksgiving. I think that's where I feel the split and me being African-American and my parents being Kenyan, and it's like... and it’s bridging the two. Sometimes it's just, whatever, And I do think, I think it's the only time of year where I think, especially in the holidays where it's like, I can tell that like, oh, I guess technically, like at this age, my mom had kids and her parents were already grandparents. Like, we were making the holidays exciting. And it's kind of like, I think for me, until, like I know very realistically for my immediate family, until I get married and have kids, it's going to be looking like a real adult, grown adult holiday for us, until then. I think kids are what makes so much of the holidays fun and special and all of these things. And I think that's the only time of year I feel, I would even say because nobody makes me feel this way, and I do appreciate my family for that. But I feel like, dang like if I maybe was living life a little differently. This day might be more fun for us, or there may be more people at this table, but because I'm, you know, focusing on me and my career and all of those things, it's just going to be the three of us. So sorry, you had these two strong independent daughters who are not trying for that right now.
Scottie Beam Right, it’s this unnecessary pressure that you're putting on yourself because you know that everyone's counting on you to bring the extra children who will make this holiday a bit better? You know, and you're like, I know it's coming. I got y’all. But listen, like, I got a lot of things going on that I want to put in place before taking that next step. But I know that pressure. I feel that pressure now.
Sylvia O'Bell And girl, and, and our moms are so great, right? They literally have, I think, even took from their moms about like, all right, like, you know, there may be the occasional joke or stuff here, but like, truly, they had like, I hear how people go home every year and are stressed, like made to feel guilty. But that is not my scenario, especially once my family realized I could take care of myself financially. That's a lot of reasons why they wanted some of the others to get married off. Oh, but Sylvia could take care of herself, though. So, whatever you wanna do sis!
Scottie Beam And like. Luckily, I was raised around all, well, a lot of women and a lot of women who, who left their men or are divorced, who are happier now. So they're telling me, you know, hey, wait, a little while. You know? Don't rush everything. They are one of them. Like, my mom is starting to get the itch. You know, sometimes I have to remind her, Hey, sis. You’re laying it on thick. I just, I just got a dog. You know, like, let's, let's love on that first. Let's do that. Hmm. Let's make that the child before we take that step. But yeah.
Sylvia O'Bell But do you feel, do you ever feel that… I mean, I think, I know I've talked about it, but I don't. I think even the pandemic and you know, of course, that changed Thanksgiving for a lot of people. I think for a lot, well, not enough because that first spike last year, but for those who did try to comply with the CDC guidelines last Thanksgiving. You know, I think a lot of people experience a smaller Thanksgiving, and I think, but the other side of that for me and I think that's maybe the first time it triggered the guilt of life, felt like we had so much time and the pandemic kind of reminded us and I kept thinking like, I never gave my parents, like my mom this or that or this or that or like I want like, I'm assuming we're going to have all of these more chances to have big holidays. What if we don't? And it's like, Oh man. Like, it kind of triggered that a little bit for me. And I think, I think it's just like, it's different, like when everybody is grown and it's adults and everybody’s like, eh, whatever. It's just more casual, like when they're about to make, you know, my mom spend five hours, like all day cooking the turkey when we don’t really like Turkey like that, and it's just the three of us. So what’re we going to do with all that meat? What’re we gonna do with all that meat? It’s just like, whatever!
Scottie Beam I know, like for me, you know, I, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving, but it was never that much of an issue, like it was, it wasn't that important, simply because in the early years, my family would get together every Sunday, and I mean, the cousins, aunts, uncles, we all, you know, Soul Food, big mama, we all had a big mama. I had a big mama. Her name was Ma. And so she would get the family together and cook and make all these meals, you know, Belizean meals and we would eat, talk and come together and everything. And when she passed, you know, people you know how they try to keep up the tradition. But you know, death sometimes introduces people to drama within the family, and then people started to, you know, peel off. Drop off.
Sylvia O'Bell This is literally the plotline of Soul Food.
Scottie Beam Yeah, yeah, that's that's literally it. Well, then I was like, We're you know, we're going to get it every other Sunday, or Sunday of, the first Sunday of the month, or things like that. And then it just became nothing. That part, I think, broke my heart more because I did enjoy family coming together every Sunday and becoming a thing where I get to see my uncles all the time. I get to see my aunts and cousins and everybody all the time. Thanksgiving, for me, is just like that, so I really never had any yearn to want to do it because I had it, early on. And then seeing people once a year, just to eat, sometimes I'd be like, All right, I don't... I get it. I hear you. Food gathers people, brings people together. But if we did this every Sunday, then we won't need a Thanksgiving. And that was my problem with it. I was just like, I don't need, I don't want to do this once a year. I'm going to do this every week, you know, come together and do this together. So, you know, and then like, I didn't like that people made you feel a certain way that you've decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving or, you know, you don't take Thanksgiving as seriously. When I was in college, I decided to stay at school. A lot of us decided to stay at school because we wanted to save money. You had to come back.
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah. Not always easy.
Scottie Beam So when I was in Atlanta, I was like, I might as well just stay here, and also I have grandparents in Atlanta. But Thanksgiving Day, I'm just around. I'm on campus. I go to the CAF. Child.
Sylvia O'Bell This is during Thanksgiving break, you go to the Caf?
Scottie Beam Thanksgiving Day, I think it was. It was early. It was early. I was going to go to my grandparents house at night, so I wasn't going to be home all day, but I went to the CAF. Child, this lady made me feel bad. She was like, “Oh my God, you alright, honey? Oh, so you here by yourself?” I was like, Well, you know this Thanksgiving, everybody's at the family. Whatever, you know, I'll go soon, but I just, I'm here. “Oh my god, oh Jesus, is it? You don't have no money? To go home?”
Sylvia O’Bell Thought you broke!
Scottie Beam “Oh, my god. You have family? You have-” Yes. Actually, I have family, my grandparents are here. I'm just going to go over there, like probably around in a few hours. I'm just hungry right now. I just want to get a meal. And she was just like, “Oh my gosh,” she escorted me. Like, I ain’t never been to the Caf before. I been to the Caf every day!
Sylvia O’Bell I'm always here, bro. What you mean?
Scottie Beam Hello, and the day you decide to give me two extra cornbread muffins? So I was like, OK.
Sylvia O’Bell She turned you into little orphan Annie.
Scottie Beam I felt so crazy. And then that made me cry, because then I started to feel like, Wow, this, am I really family list? I have amazing fam. I have an amazing family. My family is there. I made the decision, by the way, guys that to go home. My mom was like, Come home, I'm like, No, it's not even that deep, right? But how deep it is to everyone else. I was like,
Sylvia O'Bell But that's the pressure. Like, that's like, it's like, it's like one of those things where it's like societal outside pressure to make us feel like we should love something more that we don't really care, like, care that much to. Like it actually brings out sometimes a lot of sadder feelings and happier feelings for me. And like, unlike Christmas, which is like also a religious holiday for me as a Christian, where we're also celebrating, like, the birth of Jesus and like to me, Christmas is like Thanksgiving, but better with gifts. It's like you get the food and the gifts. But like with Thanksgiving, it's like especially at the more world we get about, like, just the origins of Thanksgiving. It is like, so what, I'm supposed to be feeling having all these emotional feelings because white people came and stole this country from Native Americans and Indigenous people and pretended like they had a little happy meal about it. That's the tradition that we're keeping alive? Or we’re like, you know, struggling to keep alive. It's like, I'm here for family gatherings. And, you know, I love cookouts. I love cookouts in the summertime and I love Christmas. But for me, Thanksgiving is just the warm up to Christmas. And I mean, honestly, it's so close to Christmas. It's a budget breaker. You mean I gotta come home or somebody gotta come here, just to turn right back around in less than 30 days to do this again?
Scottie Beam On top of that, you got Meemaw getting up twice. You got Meemaw getting up twice to risk herself in that motherfucking kitchen, knowing that she be having flashes, hot flashes.
Sylvia O'Bell Hot flashes over that stove.
Scottie Beam On the ten of the hour, every hour this child is hot. And you got her?
Sylvia O’Bell Because Uncle Bruce, and she know her baby Bruce loves his greens this way, she gone stand over them. You know, Uncle Sirius can't have, his cholesterol already high. And then you going to make him eat twice? These meals?
Scottie Beam On top of that, you know, Aunt Sylvia. Oh, no, actually,
Sylvia O’Bell It's me! It's me. I wasn't named after my Aunt. I get it. I have, it’s a Baby Boomer name.
Scottie Beam I think about my Aunt Sylvia, but my Aunt Sylvia and my Aunt Phyllis, they don't drive, they don’t like to drive at night. You got them fucking driving at night because you know the food ain't gonna be ready until the nighttime. So now they got to get their sons and daughters to drive and you know, they take forever. So everybody is delayed, do that twice. Within a month.
Sylvia O'Bell And then you won't make the people like, like the, the toxicity that some people have to endure from certain relatives. Y'all gonna make them do that back to back. That's not good for their mental health. That's not good for the mental health. Shout out to the people who are living different lifestyles than are usually allowed in classic Black families and have to deal with hiding a part of themselves just to be a part of their family, or like having to lie about anything or even, not even about different lifestyles, like how many married couples who have been separated pretend to be married and together and happy during the holidays just to fake it. Just to fake it. It's just, I feel like it just is so much pressure to be this picture of perfection that's just not normal or life, and like, I don't know. I think I'm obviously projecting more than that’s even just Thanksgiving’s fault, but I do think that, for me, it just feels like pressure. Q4 is already busy. It’s like, I would rather just be able to focus on the one holiday at the end of the year and like, put my energy towards that because it's expensive, it's emotionally draining sometimes. It's complicated debating, where are we going? Who are we seeing? Who hates who? Who don't like who in the family? Family beef always exists and it just makes it -- I don't even wanna go nowhere! I don't even wanna go nowhere. I'm just gonna stay here because I don't want to deal. It's like, now I gotta argue and have arguments that I don’t wanna have?
Scottie Beam Or watch other people argue, if you someone like me who does not like confrontation with other people. I love confrontation. I do it with myself.
Sylvia O'Bell No I’m talking about watching, everyone, almost everyone in my family likes me.
Scottie Beam But watching people, I start to die. I start to melt. I can't do it now. Child, if you know Caribbean families, you know somebody who's got a problem with my husband.
Sylvia O'Bell Listen, never liked your daddy. Never, never, never liked him. So do you have any like, I know you’ve been over the holidays since you've been little and all of those things and like, it's never been a thing. So, but, when you look at Thanksgiving in the future, right? Like, we're, I think we're both at this middle stage where it's like, OK, we had the past that did look a bit more traditional, family, things, and now we're kind of in the young adult, not so young adult transition where it's like, now it's our turn to create these families for ourselves and maybe decide if we want to keep these traditions going that may feel antiquated or like overrated to us or create new ones like I know for me, the only thing that my family requires, and by my family, me, my mom and my sister, cuz Liz don't play about us. And she is like, We will be together.
Scottie Beam With the gun, we will. We will be together.
Sylvia O'Bell And I don’t mean just the day. I mean, the week, the weekend before, after, during.
Scottie Beam Hello.
Sylvia O'Bell All of it. It's a, it's a Thanksgiving week for us, and maybe, and I wish it could be two!
Scottie Beam Child.
Sylvia O’Bell And it’s like, if nothing else, I don't know what we may be eating. I don't know whose house we’ll be at. But like, I do know my mom and my sister and I, if nothing else, will be chillin on the couch every Thanksgiving, right? But I do have a desire to enrich that somehow, like the more I begin to build a family myself. I would love to insert, I think, some type of, like, family situation with people around the table and just happiness and laughter and food like that idea makes me happy, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to construct that in the future. What are your thoughts?
Scottie Beam Well, my traditions, I think I've already said what I really want. I want new traditions I want. Well, actually, old traditions that have went away that maybe new to me and, you know, the person I start to do this life with. But I want to do the Sundays that I talked about previously. I want, even though Thanksgiving's doesn't, it still won't ever hit me like that. But I want to make sure that my family and my children go to my husband's, you know, home and I mean, where he's from and we get to spend time with their family. I think splitting it up like that is cool with me because Christmas is my mom's jam. There's no way that I cannot be home for Christmas. But I think Thanksgiving can be dedicated to whomever you know, I have these children and the in-laws.
Sylvia O'Bell The future in-laws get Thanksgiving.
Scottie Beam Right. They get Thanksgiving. And then maybe even for Christmas, we can bring the in-laws and the whole family together.
Sylvia O'Bell I would like that, just, combined. I mean, I think we both don't come from such huge families that that’s impossible. That are right here, in America.
Scottie Beam I don't think so. And so, yeah, I think, yeah, that's something I would wish to do. But I really do want to make sure that we are seeing our family members more than once or twice a year.
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah.
Scottie Beam So I want to try to put something together that at least once a month we come together and we eat together, we talk to each other. I don't want to have to give you the rundown, the year end rundown of what happened in my life by November. You know, every time I fit, my cousin asked me, So what was that job you did over there in February? No no no. I'd much rather me tell you during February what was happening then. And so, yeah, I think that kind of stuff is what I want to start doing more.
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah.
Scottie Beam The connection. That's something that I think pandemic has done for me, which is, you know, I have definitely wanted to connect more with family and talk more with family and more than just phone and texting. But like through us being in the same room and having the discussion because we took that for granted.
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah.
Scottie Beam During, you know, during that time when we were all away from each other. So, yeah, yeah, I think that's something that I want to do. I am glad we were able to get that off our chest. But before we go, we're going to take a look at some questions from our listeners about their holiday season anxieties and dilemmas and try to offer some advice because one thing about Sylvia and I, we will give you some advice and goot advice. OK, right now, take this advice at your own discretion. Okay, folks?
Sylvia O'Bell Always cap everything off with, but I ain’t no professional, you know?
Scottie Beam Right. Right, right. We ain’t no professional but we damn near close.
Sylvia O'Bell We damn near close. The punctuation for every advice is, “but that’s just me.”
Scottie Beam Right. But I mean, but if you have watched Get You and Me on YouTube, you know, you know.
Sylvia O'Bell You know that we can get people together now, we are, we are better than the average in results. We specialize in results.
Scottie Beam We specialize in results!
Sylvia O'Bell And we are trying to give that to our OK, Now Listen listeners as well. So, Scottie, you want to read the first question.
Scottie Beam Yep. All right. First question is: Spending Thanksgiving with the white side of my fam. Is it rude to only eat the food we cooked? Let me just give it to you plain right there. No, it's not rude! It's self care! And I refuse for you to think that it's anything else because child, now, I've seen these Tic Tocs and these videos, now that I'm a dog mom, I've seen a lot of dog stuff. I am watching these white people use their appliances like, their kitchen shit.
Sylvia O’Bell No.
Scottie Beam Forks. Utensils.
Speaker 3 No, no, no. No, no.
Scottie Beam Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yes, yes. When they're making dinner, they let them lick the fork and shit.
Speaker 3 Oh hell no!
Scottie Beam And then they put it back in the bowl, Sylvia. They go to mix it-
Sylvia O’Bell Scottie, you are shitting me. You are lying to me.
Scottie Beam I kid you not, I’ll find it.
Sylvia O'Bell find that the pets that eat the insects, not pets who lick rodents?
Scottie Beam Not pets who lick they own ass.
Sylvia O’Bell And they balls and genitals?
Scottie Beam Yes.
Sylvia O’Bell Those cats? Those dogs.
Scottie Beam Yes.
Sylvia O’Bell The ones rolling in the mud?
Scottie Beam Yes.
Sylvia O’Bell At the park. OK?
Scottie Beam And they making their tuna dip casserole. Whatever the fuck, they may get in that damn kitchen, and they having they pet “Enjoy the meal” with them.
Sylvia O'Bell Arrest them, officer.
Scottie Beam And so it's not rude.
Sylvia O'Bell So, no, you know what, people love to put a raisin in something that don’t need no raisin. They love to put a casserole together.
Scottie Beam Chickpea somewhere that it don't belong. I'm OK.
Sylvia O'Bell And you know it ain’t seasoned. Call it a dietary restriction. You know who you are who asked this question. Do what you gotta to do, but like, “Oh, you know, my paleo diet?” No, it's the new one. The new one that came out this week. Whatever you want to do, but protect yourself and your stomach.
Scottie Beam Call it the nigga-yo diet because.
Sylvia O’Bell I want to take you out of my podcast, because, I want you to leave when you say the Nigga-yo diet?
Scottie Beam Because, I’m taking my seasoning salt. Y’all must have me fucked up, because I'm not eating this. I'm not eating this without any seasoning salt. I can't. I can't do it. I just,
Sylvia O'Bell If nothing else, girl, carry a little hot sauce in your bag like Beyonce, say, just to help you get through what you need to get through if nothing else. But like I said, keep it light, keep it tight.
Scottie Beam Ooh, and you know that turkey dry. You know that turkey is *cough*
Sylvia O'Bell And here's the thing, here's the thing because white people ain’t sleek. They going to be in the Black side of your family's food, too.
Scottie Beam That's exactly right. That’s the truth. You're right about it.
Sylvia O’Bell They're going to be eating it right there with you. Get to it before they do. because their white side of family is probably very excited. You probably have some cousins who wait all year long,
Scottie Beam Who can't wait, who can’t wait.
Sylvia O’Bell To eat the Black side, “Oh, our Black cousin coming? Is her mama cooking something? Please tell me she's bringing that mac and cheese. Because boy, they don't use that Kraft. They don't, they don’t use that box. I don’t know what they use but they using something.”
Scottie Beam Or, I don't need water with this chicken. So let's just please. I just, I just want you to protect yourself. Look after yourself. And that's a form of self-care. It's not rude.
Sylvia O'Bell And if they ask, if they get to asking too many questions tell them being Black in America is hard enough. I don't, I shouldn't have to eat your food too.
Scottie Beam Sprinkle a little, sprinkle a little white guilt in there.
Sylvia O’Bell The white guilt on em, and remind em.
Scottie Beam Let the white guilt.
Sylvia O’Bell And that's it.
Scottie Beam So right. That's good. It's good enough.
Sylvia O'Bell Let me answer, let's do the next one second.
Scottie Beam Yeah.
Sylvia O'Bell Our next listener says: anxious for the fam to keep asking us when we're getting engaged. Like, that's a him question!
Scottie Beam Listen, ain’t it? ain’t it?
Sylvia O'Bell She right about it!
Scottie Beam She right about it.
Sylvia O’Bell She right about it, that is a him question!
Scottie Beam Fuck that got to do with me?
Sylvia O’Bell You asking me like I’m about to get down on one knee and propose.
Scottie Beam Thank you. I hate that question, goddamn.
Sylvia O’Bell Maybe you sould be asking this nigga how he feel. Because ain't that at him? Ain’t that a him?
Scottie Beam That’s a him question.
Sylvia O’Bell I think you have your answer, right there sis. When they ask you when you're getting engaged, throw your nigga under the bus.
Scottie Beam Right, oh, you know what? You know, what you should do sis? Look, if
he's behind you beside you just look at him and say, I don't know, you ask him. Yeah, it's a him question.
Sylvia O'Bell You don’t even gotta call him, like, if he’s across the room, you just maybe just say, Hey, you know, that's, that's on him. He's picking it out.
Scottie Beam That’s on him, you know, just let that and let it roll off your back child.
They ain’t looking at you different.
Sylvia O'Bell And if you don't feel like throwing your boo under the bus, if it's you know, you did say it's a him question, though. So I do believe that you are ready. Cuz I wanted to say, for those who are in relationships and not ready and are getting that question from you, just telling people in mind they business. Be like, tell them that I'm, we’re trying to make sure that we have the kind of marriage that lasts, hit them with that, lasts. Emphasize the lasts, with an s. And all your aunties who are divorced and on their second or third marriages,
Scottie Beam Will eat their food, will eat their food, and mind their business.
Sylvia O'Bell Hopefully catch the nod before it has to get even more direct. Okay, what’s the next question?
Scottie Beam The third one is: New boo is working, I feel like my family is going to think I'm making him up. Now,
Sylvia O’Bell Cuz you know Black families is rude. They be like, they’ll be sitting like, “Where’s this little nigga at? You been talking about him!”
Scottie Beam Now, this is between me and y’all. I got somebody in my family that's like that. We ain't ever seen this man in our lives.
Sylvia O’Bell You are- Scottie!
Scottie Beam I swear to God.
Sylvia O’Bell No.
Scottie Beam And I love her. I love, you know, I love you sis!
Sylvia O’Bell This is between us…
Scottie Beam Not my sister, but it's my family member. And y’all, they've been together for about, I think, 12 years.
Sylvia O’Bell 12 Years??
Scottie Beam Yes.
Sylvia O’Bell And you've never laid eyes?
Scottie Beam Twelve of them things. Yes. And he has never I've never been in the same room with this dude. This man can slap me on the streets of New York City, and I would say, I don't know who. I'm your cousin's boyfriend! Oh! Like, I wouldn't have a clue.
Sylvia O’Bell Have y’all seen pictures?
Scottie Beam Now, back 12 years ago, you know, the pictures weren’t that clear. It was good. They were cool.
Sylvia O’Bell I got some follow up questions for your cousin, fifteen years?
Scottie Beam I'm just saying, I know what she's what she feels like because I'm one of them family members. I was like, Well, damn. Like, when are we going to see this man or woman, whomever? When are we going to see this boo?
Sylvia O’Bell Cuz you know, my next question was going to be, do we think that maybe this man is a front? A beard of some sort? A protection mechanism to keep the family members at bay who she don’t really need them to know about her business. And that's not something you have to answer here on tape, cuz I know your family may listen to this podcast. I’m just saying that, fifteen years is a long time to just never bring somebody home.
Scottie Beam And you know, what's amazing is you can add an extra three years and it still feels like a long time. You said fifteen, I said twelve. And the thing is,
Sylvia O’Bell Oh yeah, well, it might as well be fifteen!
Scottie Beam It might as well be fifteen, twenty, at this point?
Sylvia O’Bell Over a decade?
Scottie Beam Yes. So what I would say, this is a new boo.
Sylvia O'Bell New boo is understandable because also, you don't want everybody be asking about the new boo every year. If you bring them home, this is going to happen. Sometimes you got to make sure that they're going to be around long enough.
Scottie Beam But it sounds like she's talking about them with the family anyway. So she's like, you know, oh, yeah, me and him are going, or me and her going or whatever, whatever, you know? And they're like, OK, sis, can't wait to see him at Thanksgiving. So then Thanksgiving roll around is like, Oh, he's not here, you just have to have maybe a face time. And, you know, I would say, tell your family to mine that damn business. But aside from that, pictures, oh, look, we went here together.
Sylvia O’Bell Send them a little proof.
Scottie Beam Yeah, you gotta show proof.
Sylvia O'Bell You wanna see him? Don’t use instagram, have the pictures in your phone, like,
Scottie Beam Hello.
Sylvia O’Bell That would be helpful because I think people will understand if you have, you know, like, Oh, yeah this is him, but new because it's like, Well, obviously, sometimes in a new relationship, you're not, like, far along enough to be not going to, maybe your new boo, well, he’s working in this case and hey, a man with a job, you know, they would be mad if you didn’t have one of those. They sure would be.
Scottie Beam Speak on it.
Sylvia O’Bell So tell them he’s at work! K K K K K! Getting that paycheck that y’all would require for his ass to have, to date me.
Scottie Beam Hello.
Sylvia O’Bell But also, well, you know, sometimes for other people who may have to apply this because, A relationship is new and you both are still doing Thanksgiving separately. People's family live in different states. It's not, you can't always get the both. Don't make your family feel like, be like girl, if this works out, you'll be seeing him every Thanksgiving for the rest of your lives. I just enjoy these last moments of just me time.
Scottie Beam Right. This me time, the pictures and maybe a face time, and that’s it!
Sylvia O'Bell And some of these familie, I'm trying to marry him and he won't want to stay here if he sees how y'all behave.
Scottie Beam I'm trying to get y’all asses together.
Sylvia O'Bell So it was like, I can't bring him, y'all don’t know how to act. Y'all know, your family, know which ones those are as well. I’m not about to get embarrassed by y’all.
Scottie Beam Also, I just want to point out: DeAndre, if you think fora second, my brother, that you going to hide some girl from me? You got another thing coming. I’ll invite her my damn self on DM. So yes, this advice is for everybody else but DeAndre, my brother.
Sylvia O'Bell Sorry you caught that stray, Andre. I'm sorry you got that stray.
Scottie Beam He like, “y’all be acting crazy, and I cannot. I am afraid that you are going to run one of these girls away.” And that's not how I am. That’s not me!
Sylvia O'Bell Yeah, yeah, that's what the rest of us are thinking, too, Scottie. We're all confused as to why DeAndre would be afraid. None of us understand. DeAndre we’re with you, DeAndre we stand with you! We stand with you!
Scottie Beam Sylvia, child.
Sylvia O’Bell It’s not, you right about it DeAndre, think twice! Think twice, make sure she can handle herself. Make sure she can stand her ground! Because you're right about your mama and your sister and they know it. Okay?
Scottie Beam Okay.
Sylvia O’Bell All right, let's move on.
Scottie Beam I'm going to do the necessary things, though, to make sure she's the right person. So, yes, you will need to go through me.
Sylvia O'Bell Our next listener asks: What about coping with not bringing any boo? And I think we can combine this with another question that said, also asked us, How do you avoid/fight off relationship questions when you're perpetually single? So this advice is about people who are single and are maybe sad about it. It seems like, you know, it's like the one person was asking about coping with not having somebody to bring, which can be sad when you may see your family members, all with their significant others and whatever and you’re feeling especially single.
Scottie Beam Or you see your cousin with her third boo at the Thanksgiving.
Sylvia O'Bell But even like, you know the happy married ones, and like, Oh, when will it be my turn? And then the family often doesn't help with that, they’re never usually sensitive around that, a lot of times they’re also looking like, don’t you see how happy, your cousin, you see your cousin here with her third baby when are we gonna get one out of you? They good for one of those, so it’s like, how to cope? That's a good question. I think it's something a lot of people have to deal with. I would say, it's, I think a lot of it comes in with having a, coming in with a strong sense of self. You know, I mean, knowing why you're single, you know, and have an understanding about, like your life will happen in your timing, and that, everybody's who you may see at the household with a partner, there's always more than what it looks like.
Scottie Beam It's not.
Sylvia O’Bell It's always more than what it looks like. So don't get to romanticizing everybody who happens to have somebody to bring because for all you know, your cousin is on her fourth track on the Summer Walker album because she's going through all the same things.
Scottie Beam And those are the facts. Those are the facts.
Sylvia O'Bell It's, you know, sometimes your auntie may be pretending like she's happy, but you all know that her husband has been cheating on her half they marriage. Like, you want a healthy situation and you deserve to wait for that. And I think that having that like you have to come in strong because, you know, you may have a family that won't, will just exasperate that feeling. So maybe you have a therapy session scheduled post-Thanksgiving, something like that may be helpful. You know, have somebody that you can check in with. Maybe that, like a friend that you can be like, remind me who I am and why I am living like this. Like, bring me back.
Scottie Beam Right. And also remind yourself that it's usually too, like, the Baby Boomers and the ones before those who are stuck in this like toxic generational cycle of nasty. You got to be with a man, you got to be paired up. You have to be with somebody or else something's wrong with you. You are broken if you're not with someone. And you know, some of your grandfathers have been around the block, child, and you know damn well that Grandmama was not with it, wasn't happy with it. So just remind yourself, they’re just doing this because they were raised. So you have to just just ignore the conditioning that they have been through and refuse to unlearn. You know?
Sylvia O'Bell They don’t know better. Because it was put on them and they're perpetuating an unhealthy cycle. But also, you made me think of this reel. Did you see this reel with the Black grandma? And she asks her, Grandma, have you ever been in love or something like that? And she was like, No. And she was like, But you were married. And she was like,
Scottie Beam And still I said, No.
Sylvia O’Bell She just looked at her and hummed. Hmm. And that, baby! I saw that reel, and I said, and a lot of people was like, This is it. Y’all talking about it. They were married, but were they happy? Were they in love? I'm looking for all of it. Or maybe I'm not even looking for it because I know I don't need that. I am happy with my career, myself, my life, my singleness. All of that, don't make people feel like the lifestyle they think you need to live is the one you have to live. You know what's best for you, most of the time. And so, focus on that and remind yourself of that when people try to bring you in and sway you into their line of thinking.
Scottie Beam Because I don't even understand, why are you asking if he's not here? If he's not here, then why are you asking?
Sylvia O’Bell About when I’m gonna be in a relationship, you’re just trying to make me feel bad, right?
Scottie Beam Yes! So it's on purpose? Like some things I know I'll be taken personally, but that right there, I be taking that kind of personal like, you see that I'm here by myself.
Sylvia O’Bell Yeah.
Scottie Beam So why even ask me the question?
Sylvia O'Bell Yeah. And I think that ties in a little bit to the next question you’re about to read.
Scottie Beam Oh, Jesus, oh, somebody asked us. I broke up with a nigga a few weeks ago. How can I avoid all the “where is? Where is he?” Questions. Let me tell you something. You tell your family, y’all love me? Like there’s times when I say, “Y'all love me, right? This man no longer exists. We all are going to act like he does not exist. Do you understand? All my aunts, everybody? Don't even. It doesn't exist. Don't even bring him up no more. It never happened. It never happened.” Oh no. What happened? Just so much that I don’t even want to talk about no more. I put that in the past. Let's put him in the pack
Sylvia O'Bell Because some people be good for a reminisce, right? You tell them that we broke up. Oh man, I used to love the way he would take out the trash after every Thanksgiving. He was so nice about it. Well, me. Oh, how are you going to find the man that looks like this? Or has this again, girl? Are you sure you can't work it out?
Scottie Beam Just like I found him off on another.
Sylvia O’Bell Right.
Scottie Beam And they should know that, I'll be looking, and sometimes I'll be like, you know, the answers to these questions? Or y’all just want to be messy and find out what happened.
Sylvia O'Bell You know they want the tea, they want some juice. And if, like only certain family members depending how close you may be, get that.
Scottie Beam Exactly.
Sylvia O’Bell And so no. Also, that's another thing. Protect your peace by knowing who to tell what to. Sometimes the less information, the better. Don't give them nothing to gossip about, because then your mama gonna get to fighting. And it's all these other things because they don't want nobody talking about her baby to,
Scottie Beam You right about it.
Sylvia O’Bell So just protect everybody by saying, Hey, we broke up. End of story. And I don't know, I've seen somebody do this before. It's only for the bold. But I do think it's effective when you come in, sit everybody down and be like, Hey, guys, just wanna make a communal announcement. Me and this person are no longer together.
Scottie Beam Yes! Yes, that's what I mean.
Sylvia O'Bell I will not be taking any questions. No, I will not be taking any more questions. This is my statement.
Scottie Beam Yes.
Sylvia O’Bell Let's eat. And that way, because you don't have to go through, because sometimes what's hard about it is like every other person is coming up to you one by one because they didn’t know, to Scottie’s point. So sometimes it's a group announcement, a blanket statement. Hey, it could even be a text in the family group chat before you get there. Hey! - if y’all have one. Hey, da da da da da.
Scottie Beam Or even get somebody to speak for it, like, my mom is the best one,
Sylvia O'Bell Get a spokesperson.
Scottie Beam Cause she’ll go and say, hey, before she walks in this house.
Sylvia O'Bell Yes, yes!
Scottie Beam They broke up. She doesn't wanna talk about it. Let's move on, let’s not ask no questions. Nothing.
Sylvia O’Bell Nothing.
Scottie Beam She's doing great. Let's just keep moving because you know how you doing? How do you feel?
Sylvia O'Bell Like, like they found out you got cancer.
Scottie Beam Right!
Sylvia O’Bell But I don't know. Am I OK? Am I?
Scottie Beam I’m still here? I’m good. Yeah I’m good.
Sylvia O'Bell The doctors tell y’all something I don’t know about?
Scottie Beam Right. So, yeah, that one does, it stings, I know, with every fucking question, it hurts.
Sylvia O’Bell And that’s circles back to why you take your time telling your family about a man. You can’t be telling them about every man, because you gonna have to do this cycle a lot more than you should You pick and choose who- because this is the, this is the other side of it. It's all fun and games when you posting him on the grid. Until you gotta archive those posts.
Scottie Beam And then the older you get, the more serious they think you are with somebody. So then they're like, Oh, I thought that was it! You was going to be married! I thought this was it. I thought, Oh, that was really the one. Thought it was the one. How you thought it was the one, nigga? Like, it used to drive me crazy.
Sylvia O'Bell And my final, my final caveat to this announcement is that, because this happens to now, if this, if you don't think that this breakup is permanent, watch how you talk about him at the family Thanksgiving. Cauze they will continue to hate that man. And then you want them to be, why are you so mean to him? when he back next Thanksgiving? Because you told them too much. You love him. Your family don't. They love you!
Scottie Beam That’s the word Sylvia, you right about it!
Sylvia O’Bell So, you all know who you are. It may be a little break. It may be you got mad about something, but you're planning on getting this nigga back. Don't go home talking about something Y'all broke up. Don't don't do that. Then you're going to make it harder for both of you on the other side of that. So I do want to say, if you broke up with this nigga a few weeks ago, be sure that you really broken up with this man before you say something. Otherwise, just be like, Oh, you know? You know, like, you know, you know how to evade it. Like, evade the question. Be like, Oh, you know, he's doing Thanksgiving here, I'm doing Thanksgiving here, and then you can let them know later if it's been longer. And it's true. But don't go pre breaking news, because then
Scottie Beam You're right. That's a great point, Sylvia, that's a great, Keep that! Everybody, hold that close to your heart.
Sylvia O'Bell Only tell your family when you are sure sure, like I have a friend who literally told me that they had broken up with their boyfriend of a long time. They didn't tell that, they didn't tell their family over the holidays because they didn't want to deal with that. And they ended up getting engaged by the next summer. And you know why it worked out for them? Because they family never knew that they was broken up over the holiday break.
Scottie Beam That's right.
Sylvia O'Bell So I'm just saying
Scottie Beam That's true. I got guy cousins that will hate you for the rest of
Sylvia O’Bell Your life.
Scottie Beam They lives.
Sylvia O'Bell I got Aunts, Uncles, my mother, hey! All of them, we don't want to, we don’t need to.
Scottie Beam Oh yeah, my mom, my mom will hate you forever.
Sylvia O'Bell So, let’s just keep that at a minimum. All right.
Scottie Beam That was great. This last one. How do I respectfully disrespect toxic family members?
Sylvia O'Bell It’s the respectfully disrespect for me because, I hear you like.
Scottie Beam I feel like you’re good at that.
Sylvia O’Bell I feel like I immediately know what you meant.
Scottie Beam I lose the respect, so I will turn to you, Sylvia, this, I actually threw a vacuum at one of my toxic family members because I was that upset.
Sylvia O’Bell You threw a vacuum?
Scottie Beam I was upset, Sylvia, you not gonna keep talking about my momma now!
Sylvia O'Bell What decade was this? Because the vacuum was in the 90s was a lot bigger and heavier than they are now.
Scottie Beam And it was. And it was.
Sylvia O'Bell We’re not talking about that cordless Dyson.
Scottie Beam No, no, no. We talk about Daredevil. We talking about Daredevils.
Sylvia O’Bell This is some hulk-ass strength you’ve had your whole life.
Scottie Beam We talking about the cord is included.
Sylvia O’Bell And the cord is whipping around for the final hit.
Sylvia O'Bell Yeah, so don't do that.
Scottie Beam I was so young, though.
Sylvia O’Bell That’s how you know, you’ve had this heart of a lion your whole life, okay? But I do think, though respectfully disrespect. Looking for a little nice, nasty. You looking for a little kick, but nothin too spicy. You know, it's like a warning shot, but nothing that will get you put out or yelled at by an elder person in your family because you don't feel like dealing with that either. I always think it's nice, and it's hard because usually the best ones are specific. But I do think it's just like, you know, it's very much about smiling when you say it, a lot of times the tone of your face, right? It's like you hit him with a love ya. But a little affirmation on the back end or front end of it. Or like, maybe it's in your facial. Like I said, like cause if you scowling and you're tone and you talking with your teeth, they feel that, Black people are big on tone, especially elderly Black people like, they're big on tone. So if you say it with an upswing tone, they may not even catch the shade, you know what I mean?
Scottie Beam Unless they use that word, nasty. Don't get nasty with me. You know they mad. You know that’s it.
Sylvia O'Bell So, you know, then, you didn't do it well enough. Sometimes think of it like a work email. You know when you can't get fired, but you do want to let them know that, No. It's like, so for example, if they are talking about your mama, like if you hear somebody talking about your mama, you can come in and be like, Hey, love y'all, but do not talk about my mother that way behind her back. That is your family member. Or maybe it's not, da da da da. Go to her and talk to her about it or whatever, but we should be better than this. Always make it about like a moral high ground. You know what I mean?
Scottie Beam Make feel like you're going high. Like you and Michelle Obama are up here about it.
Sylvia O'Bell Yes, both going high while they go low. This is, you know, we say, go in medium and low for the strangers. But you want to give your family a chance for you to go high, right? And you know, this your family, you only get one set and you know, the repercussions are longer lasting. If you curse somebody out at Thanksgiving, you're bringing way more people into than necessary. It's going to be a whole thing.
Scottie Beam So Sylvia, if I say like, somebody says like so somebody had said back in the day, Hey, where's Brendon at? And me and Brendon had broke up. Can I say, right where Uncle Ray is?
Sylvia O’Bell I want y’all to know that she smiled when she said it, as if that was gonna make it hurt less.
Scottie Beam And that's the tone has changed, it says: Right where Uncle Ray is.
Sylvia O’Bell Gone.
Scottie Beam Gone. Together. Somewhere, we can’t find em.
Sylvia O'Bell OK, so you the smile on the tone were helpful. Right?
Scottie Beam OK. Alright.
Sylvia O’Bell I do think that maybe you, you know, Uncle Ray, bringing him up specifically, you’re tap dancing on that line. But maybe, so maybe, so maybe bring up Uncle Ray as a, that's the warning flag. But then couch it with, because we both were better than them, right? Or like, that was their loss, right? Both of them were wrong, correct? You know, like, bring it, bring it back to empowerment.
Scottie Beam Bring it together.
Sylvia O’Bell Bring it right at the end. Bring up Uncle Ray. That is the, that's the respectful disrespect. That’s the disrespect part. But then couch it with like, He where Uncle Ray at, with the niggas who don’t know how to take care of they woman. Or the men who are not good enough for this family, right? because we have standards, don’t we Auntie Joyce? Right? We do. Something like that.
Scottie Beam Couch it, Sylvia, that’s what the fuck I’m talking about.
Sylvia O’Bell You know what I’m saying? So, just remember, if all else fails, smile. Say it with a nice tone that will confuse them long enough for you to at least get away before it calculates. Before it calculates, And keep it quick! I always say, keep it, keep it short.
Scottie Beam Yeah.
Sylvia O’Bell Because if you keep it long, it's going to get more and more disrespectful. Nip it, you got to nip it at the bud.
Scottie Beam That's, that's what I will always say. Say what you need to say and then walk away.
Sylvia O’Bell Walk away.
Scottie Beam Because, it'll, it'll fly over the head, then they'll catch it, and then they'll want to start. But you're already out.
Sylvia O’Bell You're gone.
Scottie Beam You're gone. You’ve moved on.
Sylvia O'Bell It’s too late. And we're over here, and I'm avoiding you for the rest of the dinner. You’re going left and I’m going right.
Scottie Beam Actually, I'm right by my mother who you want to talk about behind her back. So you ain't going to say nothing anyway.
Sylvia O'Bell Nothing else. You know, lots of love yous. You can, this is your family so you can use love you to disarm, that helps. Love you. Love you but got to go. Love you, but this is how I choose to live my life.
Scottie Beam Right.
Sylvia O’Bell But, it’s gonna be, y’all gonna get through. You gonna get through, and if you do go off the handle maybe Scottie can give you a word about…
Scottie Beam You take that vacuum right out the back.
Sylvia O'Bell Right. And if all else fails, ask him, Can I get you a plate? Can I get you some more mac and cheese? Can I get you some pie? Like, service? Service it out like.
Scottie Beam Right.
Sylvia O’Bell Like, I’m gonna get you some more, you want something?
Scottie Beam Go and get you another, another piece of pie, child, and sit down and chill out and scroll through Instagram, OK?
Sylvia O'Bell All right, y’all going to get through it. We're going to survive the day and we will be right back at here at Christmastime. So, until then, that's our show. Thank you all for tuning in.
Scottie Beam Our show is a production of Pineapple Street Studios in partnership with Netflix and Strong Black Lead. Shout out to our team. Our editor is Jess Jupiter and our producer is Taylor Hosking. Our music is by Amanda Jones. Special thanks to Max Linsky and Jenna Weiss Berman.
Sylvia O'Bell Make sure you share your thoughts with us on the episode using the #OKNowListen. Like we said, this was a safe space so be respectfully disrespectful, if you gonna be disrespectful. OK, we just taught you how, OK, come nice with it. But also if you guys have any extra advice or have messages you would give to any of the questions today, please share that! I’m sure people would appreciate it. And follow Strong Black Lead on the socials, @StrongBlackLead. And follow us too, I’m @SylviaObell.
Scottie Beam And I’m at Turkey-will-always-by-dry @ScottieBeam. Goodbye.
Sylvia O’Bell And those are the facts. Until next time, that is the fact!
Scottie Beam Those are the facts of life.
Sylvia O’Bell The Thanksgiving is about the sides. What can we say?
Scottie Beam Make a chicken! Please!
Sylvia O’Bell Ham it up! I’ll ham it up.
Scottie Beam Awe Ham, yeah.
Sylvia O’Bell Let’s get the ham. That’s a good protein, you know something? You can have a protein. Pick a dish. make your own traditions! We are into the credits, we know, y’all are done. Until next time folks, stay blessed.
Scottie Beam Happy Thanksgiving.