On this episode, we begin with a major life update and an ode to our love for New York City. Then, we spend some time examining the ups and downs of the single life. How did we get here? Why are we still here? Can we make it look as good as Traces Ellis Ross does? We need answers. Finally, we wrap up the episode with some recommendations that'll have you feeling like you want to (or your money back guarantee).
ONL Episode 6 Transcript
[00:00:02] Scottie: You are listening to Okay, Now Listen, a bi-weekly show where we chat about what's on our minds, what we're bingeing and what's blowing up our timelines.
[00:00:10] Sylvia: I'm Sylvia Obell. I'm a culture writer, host, producer and lover of Beyoncé.
[00:00:15] Scottie: And I'm Scottie Beam, a media personality, content creator, music enthusiast and a wing connoisseur. Well, not anymore, because I stopped eating meat, guys.
[00:00:24] Sylvia: [laughs] [gasps].
[00:00:24] Scottie: So there's that.
[00:00:27] Sylvia: Wow!
[00:00:29] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah, child.
[00:00:29] Sylvia: [crosstalk] What a chicken revelation. This -- you really did me! That wasn't even in the script. I was like, wait, what?
[00:00:37] Scottie: Girl, I ain't eating it no more. I stopped. I just want to see what the difference is. People talk about it so much. So why not?
[00:00:45] Sylvia: Jesus.
[00:00:46] Scottie: And I'm not doing this forever. Please do understand, all you vegan people reaching out that's gonna give me these recommendations I never ask for. Listen, this will only be for a month and then I'm going right back to steaks and chicken nuggets.
[00:00:58] Sylvia: Okay. That, that I can understand. I could take a month break off -- I'm all for the breaks. It's like alcohol. I'm never gonna give it up for good. But I'll give it up for a little bit every now and then.
[00:01:07] Scottie: Never.
[00:01:07] Sylvia: You know.
[00:01:08] Scottie: Sorry.
[00:01:08] Sylvia: But I hear that.
[00:01:09] Scottie: Love chicken too much.
[00:01:10] Sylvia: Well, on another note, I got to say Scottie, I feel like we've really let our listeners in on a lot of what we've been going through these past few months. It's a wild, wild time to be alive and even more wild time to be sharing how we've been processing all that with other people, you know?
[00:01:28] Scottie: It truly is. I feel like our community circle has gotten so much larger since starting this podcast. It's a beautiful thing.
[00:01:34] Sylvia: And in the spirit of keeping our community in the loop, I feel like it's only right for me to share my future plans -- that I'm moving to Los Angeles.
[00:01:50] Scottie: What?
[00:01:51] Sylvia: Ahh! [laughs]. If you can -- if you can -- [laughs]
[00:01:55] Scottie: I'm happy for my friend, yes
[00:01:58] Sylvia: If you can't tell Scottie is doing that thing where it's like you obligation happy but internally, she's not happy about this. You can be honest, Scottie. You have my permission to be honest about how unhappy you are about this. Cus I get it.
[00:02:10] Scottie: I have lost -- I'm losing all my friends. I'm losing all my friends to L.A. and that bitch is ruthless. And so --
[00:02:21] Sylvia: [crosstalk] That bitch -- [laughs].
[00:02:21] Scottie: She makes some great promises, you know, from what I've heard. But you know, I'm sad. I'm sad. I am going to cry because when this is all over, whenever this COVID bitch is over or whatever, Who? What?
[00:02:38] Sylvia: Outside ain't gonna be the same -- gonna look the same.
[00:02:41] Scottie: [crosstalk] Who am I going to hang out with? Like, I'm not -- I can't be outside with nobody during the summer. Who is still here? There's no one but me. [laughter] I'm still here. Trying to hold on to this fuckin NY state of mind.
[00:02:56] Sylvia: Scottie, Scottie is at protests with her Tims at her Yankee cap. Dead ass. [laughs]
[00:03:02] Scottie: [crosstalk] Dead ass. With my dead ass ass.
[00:03:04] Sylvia: She's not holding on.
[00:03:07] Scottie: But how do you feel about it, Sylvio? I -- like this decision -- because, you know, it was always on the horizon eventually. Like, I feel like I've done my 20 years in New York -- for people who don't know, I moved to New York City eight years ago for grad school. And I -- you know when I my -- was 21, 22. And I've -- I'm 30 now. So I really feel like it's such a good chapter of time and I wouldn't have wanted to do my 20s in any other city. But I do feel like, you know, this decision to move was a lot easier while the world is kind of on pause because for the first time in our lives, jobs are flexible. It doesn't matter where I'm working from. I love that we're getting past the idea of like having to go into an office or have to be tied to a place, because I do think, like, it's making a lot people think like, oh wait, now I can decide where I'm going. Or I can try new cities out and, like, shake up my life in this way that's very independent and I just feel very empowered about the fact that, you know, because I'm single, no kids and a bad ass bitch who can afford to do this shit on her own, I'm very -- I love that I have the empowerment to be able to pick up and move like this. But I also do get that because we all are having to make these decisions, it's decentralizing us in a way that's very difficult. Like, to me, the biggest thing when I thought about it was like my friends, yo. My best -- my best -- I'm from New Jers -- like, we're from New Jersey, New York. Like having my mom and my family right here and having my best friends all closest to me from -- like you saw my 30th birthday -- elementary school friends, high school friends, and like y'all and my girls in New York. I just -- but then I think the other thing that was hard for me was realizing that, like, I was not going to see y'all this year anyway. I wasn't gonna see y'all this year. And it was like, well, I guess if there was ever a time to try it out, it's what I'm going to be forced to see my people the least, which is right now.
[00:04:57] Scottie: Well, I'm happy for you as you being my friend. Of course, that side of me gleams and I'm excited and I'm loving it. And I'm definitely going to come visit you, of course.
[00:05:08] Sylvia: You got a whole L.A. apartment now.
[00:05:10] Scottie: Yes.
[00:05:10] Sylvia: Just give me a couple months to get it together.
[00:05:12] Scottie: The only way I would do it is if I'm bi-coastal. And, I you know, I'm a need a few more checks for that [laughter] -- that bi-coastal life. But there's another thing too with L.A., the experience that I hear about a lot, especially from black women, is that the dating life over there is probably number one, trash.
[00:05:36] Sylvia: [laughs] That is -- I mean --
[00:05:37] Scottie: Number two is New York. Number one is the struggle bus L.A. dating life.
[00:05:42] Sylvia: It definitely crossed my mind, I am going from the -- I am moving from the -- the only place harder than it is to date than New York is L.A. And so this is the -- I feel like I've, you know, the meme where you're wearing the clown makeup. Like, that's me getting ready to go to L.A single. Like, I'm just putting my clown makeup on because I'm moving from the only city where it's harder to the next city where it's even more materialistic and superficial. So we --.
[00:06:06] Scottie: And colorist.
[00:06:05] Sylvia: And colorists. And so we's gonna have say all the prayers, y'all for, I feel like, honestly though, I feel like if I meet a man that like in L.A., it's gonna be really God ordained this man to be in my life, because how else am I gonna meet him, honestly? But that speaks to kind of what we want to talk about on this episode, which is the struggle of being single and all of the things that come along with this wild, wild west of the world wide web of dating. [laughs] Let's talk about let's get into it.
[00:06:32] [Music In].
[00:06:33] Scottie: Let's talk about it.
[00:06:38] Sylvia: So a little while ago, during my nightly Twitter scrolling, I came across a tweet that felt so true that I had to read it about 20 more times. And this tweet was from @thekayanova. And she said, I noticed when I tell people about my dating issues, they immediately say, but you're so amazing! Your person is coming. Or like you're be -- you're so beautiful. It's going to happen. And I have just got to ask, since when has a woman being amazing or beautiful guaranteed us a safe, fulfilled, dating life? And my God, that sparked a bunch of black woman engaging with this tweet because it was like literally thank you, including our own good girlfriend, Gia Pepper's -- @GiaPeppers
[00:07:27] Scottie: Gigi!
[00:07:27] Sylvia: Who added on, Plus, it's an incredibly frustrating experience to have a lot of men assume that men must be all over you when it's not true. And don't get me started on how I'm intimidating. And, you know, we've had that talk with Gia, child.
[00:07:41] Scottie: Yes, child. I mean, we've all had that life. We have that life. I remember reading those tweets and thinking, wow, like all these black women have this shared experience. It's kind of insane that we all can, like, relate. [laughter] That's kind of nuts to me. It's nuts.
[00:08:00] Sylvia: Yeah, cus when we can come together in agreement, it's not -- it's only about a few things we can always agree on. And so, like, that's how, you know, how widespread and prevalent it really is.
[00:08:08] Scottie: Right.
[00:08:08] Sylvia: And ever since reading those tweets, I've been thinking a lot about what it means for me to be single right now. Kind of like the, how did I get here? The, why am I still here? [laughter] And am I okay with the -- a thought or the idea that maybe I'll be single forever?
[00:08:27] Scottie: [gasps].
[00:08:27] Sylvia: And I have to say, just so y'all know, we about looking for this conversation because I don't know why we're doing this to ourselves.
[00:08:34] Scottie: [crosstalk] Lord. I, child, I got tequila in a wine cup. Now that's how, you know, I'm just --.
[00:08:38] Sylvia: We gonna do what we --
[00:08:39] Scottie: [crosstalk] I'm just trying.
[00:08:40] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Let's just see where this goes, child. But if you hear a clink of a glass --.
[00:08:41] Scottie: [crosstalk] We gonna pray.
[00:08:41] Sylvia: That's why. So let's start from the beginning. I think it also happened -- like a lot of I think, when it comes to the basis of like singleness and relationships and why we choose or don't choose and make decisions that we make, it has a lot to do with what we were told about love and what we saw growing up, you know what I mean? Like I, I feel like we grew up to believe that if we made ourselves the be -- like if we know we were smart and had our career together and we're a good person and did all these things that it would guarantee us love or guarantee us a partner. And I realize that, like, oh, that's not true. I feel like what we've told -- and I feel like you can speak to this too -- what we've been told about love and what we've experienced and seen growing up, were also two very different things. Right? Which made it hard to believe like that -- like how much of what you were being told can happen if this is what I'm happening in my house? And I think growing up would -- so to be clear, like my parents, they were married when they had me. You know, I I had a traditional start in that sense. Like my parents -- I was an only child for eight years before my sister was born. So it was like my parents were married for like 15 years. But I would say that majority of those years were not like a happy, loving relationship that I was witnessing every day. You know, it was kind of like just like the coexistence with each other than like that -- than me seeing romance or like, you know, how you used to see Claire and Cliff like dance in the living room or like kiss -- like, I can remember seeing my parents maybe kiss each other a handful of times and -- in 15 years and every time I though it -- I was so confused because I had never -- even just like a little peck, I be like, what is it? What is hap -- like what is happening here?
[00:10:24] Scottie: What is that?
[00:10:25] Sylvia: What, huh?
[00:10:25] Scottie: Right.
[00:10:25] Sylvia: You know what I mean. So like I think and I think for a while maybe I thought that, like, what I was seeing was unique and that everybody it was still possible because this maybe was not the exception. I mean, this was the exception more than the rule. But then you grow up and you meet friends and then me and you will have conversations. Then we'll be like, oh, so we both grew up without seeing love at home.
[00:10:46] Scottie: Right.
[00:10:46] Sylvia: Oh, and you did, too? And you did, too? And you did, too? How the fuck we supposed to make this happen for ourselves? [laughs]
[00:10:53] Scottie: Right. And I don't think I -- when I speak about, like, growing up and watching my mother, because I was born and I was raised in a single parent home. I had my father around for a little bit. And then, you know, my father felt like -- once my mom left, that if he couldn't have her, then he gotta drop the whole family. But --.
[00:11:16] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Wow. That's so -- actually that's so crazy cus that's similar, but continue.
[00:11:19] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah. Yeah. So I was raised in love, right. My mom literally showed me nothing but love. Loved me with her full body, her full being, her full heart.
[00:11:34] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Yes.
[00:11:34] Scottie: There -- You could never question my mom's love for her kids. But my mom never, never -- and I love my mother -- But my mom never placed importance on a man's love. Never made it a thing. It never was something, you know, to talk about. It was, you know, she'll talk to me about boyfriends and stuff like that. But men come and men go and, you know, you will continue to live and you will continue to do what you do, which is live, baby. And you, you know, you'll do your best and you'll do.My mom will give me the straight good independent woman talk.
[00:12:09] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Shayla was Gucci -- she was Gucci before Gucci. Shayla was like, boys are like busses --
[00:12:12] Scottie: Oh girl. Door --
[00:12:12] Sylvia: Miss one. Next 15, one coming. [laughs]
[00:12:14] Scottie: Coming. Hello. Quickly. So I have learned from that that I -- I've never learned to love with both feet in. That makes sense.
[00:12:30] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Mmm. Hmm. That makes a lot of sense.
[00:12:30] Scottie: Okay? So -- Yeah. Shut up, Sylvia.
[00:12:33] Sylvia: [laughter] Sorry.
[00:12:34] Scottie: I've never learned to love with both feet in because my mom has always been big on, you know, Don't get too close, you know. Watch what he's doing. Observe first. You know, always protect yourself first. And then, you know, you can love, you can do all those things, but make sure that you are good. And maybe I have taken that too seriously at times. My mom is a very prideful human being, which is why she's raised me to be so prideful.
[00:13:02] Scottie: So, yeah, she's instilled those like, you literally can do this by yourself.
[00:13:08] Sylvia: Yes.
[00:13:08] Scottie: You don't need anybody. You can want somebody but to need anything? You need to sit down and think about it.
[00:13:15] Sylvia: [crosstalk] She's fiercely independent.
[00:13:16] Scottie: [crosstalk] You know, she's really --
[00:13:16] Sylvia: Yes. I think that like, the thing that me -- your mom and my mom, I feel like have in common is how hard they loved us. And how they taught us about like, they are the human forms of love to us to this day. Like my mother poured all the love, I feel like that she felt like she couldn't pour into to the men in her lives because they didn't deserve it.
[00:13:33] Scottie: Amen.
[00:13:33] Sylvia: She poured into me and my sister. And I love her for that because I do know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. And that's an important thing to to know before you can give it, right. But I do -- and my -- But the difference is that my mom is a hopeless romantic. Like, I get my hopeless romanticness from my mother. Like the reason why I know Nora Ephron and Steel Magnolia and Sleepless in Seattle and all these early, you know, -- and like My Best Friend's Wedding and Waiting to Exhale -- is because those were the books under her bed. Those were the movie she was watching, you know, and as I was steal in and go read. You know what I mean.
[00:14:07] Scottie: Yeah.
[00:14:07] Sylvia: And those were like, she loves a romance movie. Like if we're watching a movie, it's gotta have a romantic storyline. Like she loves love. And I think, like for me, I think that's why I always grew up desiring it, because I like -- it was definitely placed that importance in my life. But I think the thing is, is that, you know, it's, there's a thing to desire it and want it. And then there's a thing to know how to have it and get it and maintain it. And I feel like that's the part I did not get to see. So --
[00:14:37] Scottie: Or for people like me who think that they're not worthy of it.
[00:14:41] Ooh!
[00:14:41] You can love it. You can be -- I love love with all my being and heart. I -- I will cry immediately.
[00:14:49] Sylvia: It's not a coincidence to me that I was in a very serious relationship early on that coincided right with my parents divorce. Like to move into our own personal experiences where it's like I -- while I've been single now for probably the longest stretch of time, I did not start out my dating experience that way. I was in a relationship from when I was 16 to when I was 21. We broke up for maybe a year at one point in between but aside from that, we were together the whole time.
[00:15:17] Scottie: Wow. Jesus.
[00:15:18] Sylvia: And either we run towards love or we run away from it. Right. And I feel like I me and you did two different things initially. I definitely ran towards love when I felt like I wasn't getting it from my father anymore. And I feel like you ran away from it.
[00:15:32] Scottie: I definitely ran away from it. The fear of loss is -- and that's something. Whoo! That is something that I have a hard time with. So I tried not to -- I tried to leave when things get too deep before, you know, I start to really put a toe in. You know, I just talked about putting two feet. Putting a toe in is literally all the effort for me. [laughter] But I think when I lost my father, you know, shit, to the streets.
[00:16:11] Sylvia: [laughs] Sorry, that's not funny. [laughter] I just hate -- I hate you because you just said it like that! We really be laughing, we can -- we be laughing to keep form crying. Please know that about us.
[00:16:23] Scottie: Sorry, sorry y'all. Yeah. But my lost father --.
[00:16:25] Sylvia: To the streets. [laughs].
[00:16:26] Scottie: It was [laughs] -- it was devastating. That was my best friend. You know, that was my nigga. That was my homie, y roll dog. We go everywhere together at the time. So it I found it very troubling and very hard to understand why you would leave me. And I think a lot of times in my past experiences, relationships, I think, yeah, things are good now, but there's going to be a moment where I have to go. I have to leave. I can't be here anymore because he's going to want to leave and I have to leave before he does because it's -- it can't hurt. It can't hurt like that. I don't like to hurt like that. I don't ever want to hurt like that.
[00:17:09] Sylvia: Whew.
[00:17:09] Scottie: So I stay away from stuff like that. Now, I made the -- now, I don't say I made a mistake because it -- I don't regret it, but I fell in love when I was 20 years old, 21? I fell in real, to me, real love. I know people are like, you were 21. It doesn't count. To me, shit counts.
[00:17:27] Sylvia: [crosstalk] No, I -- I -- I was deep in love at 16. Y'all can't tell -- We were together for longer than some marriages. So you ain't gonna tell me --.
[00:17:33] Scottie: I -- hello!
[00:17:33] Sylvia: We weren't real! We relocated together during college.
[00:17:36] Scottie: Hello.
[00:17:37] Sylvia: You ain't goin tell me we ain't build a home, listen. [laughs].
[00:17:39] Scottie: Right. Hello. So I, I thought that was it. I thought I found my person. I thought that was it. Literally we -- we just meshed. We got along. We never argued. We -- like it would just was, it was damn near perfect. And I wasn't afraid to be in it. And that was the only time when I put both my feet in and then some shit happened where he cheated. And I said, of course! [laughter] You're stupid. And I went on to stupid --
[00:18:08] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Lost you to the streets as well. [laughs]
[00:18:10] Scottie: Right. I lost him to the streets.
[00:18:13] Sylvia: Another goes.
[00:18:14] Scottie: Dead ass! Yes! That's true, Sylvia. Yeah, I lost a nigga to the streets again.
[00:18:18] Sylvia: Again.
[00:18:19] Scottie: The streets got two, I'm zero. [laughter] So I'm like damn. Like --.
[00:18:22] Sylvia: Undefeated, the streets. [laughs]
[00:18:25] Scottie: Undefeated right now. So that broke my heart.
[00:18:28] Sylvia: Right.
[00:18:28] Scottie: And after that, I was like, oh, never again. You'll never get me there again. Of course I'm going to love certain people. I'm going to temporarily love people, but I'm never going to love somebody permanently. I don't think I have the strength to do that.
[00:18:46] Sylvia: So let me ask you, do you feel like you've -- do you feel like, and we're not -- cus we're sticking in the past because we're gonna get to your present. So not counting your present situation to help answer this question.
[00:18:56] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah. Yeah, I'm not counting -- I'm not --.
[00:18:57] Sylvia: [crosstalk] No, no, no, no, no I'm saying for the question I'm about to ask you, I'm not counting this.
[00:19:01] Scottie: Okay.
[00:19:02] Sylvia: Do you feel like that was the only time -- that was the last time you truly allowed yourself to love somebody?
[00:19:07] Scottie: That was the only -- that was the only time where I allowed myself to wholeheartedly love with my -- like with my full whole heart.
[00:19:16] Sylvia: [crosstalk] With no fear, with no fear.
[00:19:19] Scottie: With no fear. I really put and -- you know, a lot of times, that's another thing, I rarely feel protected. I'm not one to feel protected by any man.
[00:19:27] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Mmm. That's real.
[00:19:27] Scottie: I've actually never felt protected by any man. But I knew that this man was working to protect me. He was trying to learn how to protect me. So I was cool with it, you know? And I was like, fuck it. Yeah, let's do it. So, yeah, that was the only time, one time, that I allowed myself to -- and I say it, and I can't stop from saying it -- but be stupid, you know?
[00:19:53] Sylvia: [crosstalk] See? And that's the -- and that's -- and that's --
[00:19:53] Scottie: [crosstalk] I say that a lot. I know, I know, I know. I say that a lot though.
[00:19:56] Sylvia: [crosstalk] And we about to -- we about to transition to self sabotaging because --.
[00:19:57] Scottie: [crosstalk] I know, I say that Sylvia.
[00:19:59] Sylvia: [crosstalk] And we gonna come back here cus listen. Talk about it, cus listen. I feel like I -- cus self sabotaging looks different. And boy, let me tell you, you know how you have the --
[00:20:08] Scottie: [crosstalk] Oh I'm the queen.
[00:20:08] Sylvia: [crosstalk] You have friends of, like that you go to. I feel like what I love about me and Scottie's friendship is that we can talk about our self sabotaging-ass ways with no judgment because we both are -- want each other to get better. Right. That's why I feel like we're a safe space for that --.
[00:20:21] Scottie: Yes.
[00:20:21] Sylvia: And our friendship is.
[00:20:22] Scottie: Yes.
[00:20:23] Sylvia: But like I -- my version of abandonment issues was, I didn't want to repeat the feeling of abandonment so I would hold on for too long. Like I would stay or not want to let it go because I feel like it -- like gripping my hands would mean I'd have to feel that abandonment again that I felt when my dad left. And I don't like that feeling of -- and then -- and like I had to -- and my version of self sabotaging was like holding on too tight, holding on too tight. When I knew things were going bad instead of being like, you know what sis? You should let go. Out of respect for yourself or out of respect for what the both of you need, you need to understand that you can be okay. And I think what I realize is that I was running towards love and trying not to let go, because the second I did, I would have to face, finally face the emptiness or the loneliness that my dad left me.
[00:21:20] Scottie: Yeah.
[00:21:21] Sylvia: You my very good dear friend Scottie Beam --.
[00:21:25] Scottie: [laughs] Sylvia --.
[00:21:25] Sylvia: Are a mother fucking -- You are runner, right? Your version of self sabotage.
[00:21:31] Scottie: I'm Marion Jones in this bitch. I will run.
[00:21:34] Sylvia: You will -- like I be having to -- when I know that Scottie is really, like when I know this guy who really likes a guy and know that she's about to try to find every reason to not like him. That's the exercise. It's like she'll like a guy and then she's like, okay, now let me talk myself out of this shit. And it's like, no!
[00:21:50] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yes. Yes
[00:21:51] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Don't do it. I be ripping up the list. I was joking with her when we were talking about steps, I will take -- like I take like I -- I take one of her running shoes home with me. So she only got one shoe and can't run as fast. [laughter] Like that's the like the metaphor of how I feel like what I do when I know that she likes somebody who I feel like is worth -- because that's a difference, right. But we'll get to that. Not everybody is worth i. But the ones who are --.
[00:22:10] Scottie: Right.
[00:22:10] Sylvia: Talk about that version of self sabotage for you in the past - some of your past relationships, even.
[00:22:15] Scottie: Man, listen. Now, of course, I'll -- I only count like, I only count, like, two relationships that lasted for me. Right. But I've been in a lot of, I guess, quote unquote, relationships where I guess I was supposed to be their girlfriend or whatever? But my self sabatoge would be find something you don't like and run and get out.
[00:22:43] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Use that. Let it fuel you.
[00:22:44] Scottie: [crosstalk] Because this is too good. This is too good. This is too good. And I'm really, I'm one for like, oh, this -- I'm having a great time. But what is going to happen when some shit hap -- when some bad shit happens, how am I going to get out of here? I need to get out. I need to figure out how, you know, how I'm going to deal. I already, I already dealt with breakup before actually breaking up. If that makes sense. I put myself through the process.
[00:23:10] Sylvia: You're trying to protect yourself. You're trying to like -- I've done that.
[00:23:12] Scottie: Yes.
[00:23:12] Sylvia: It's like an emotional cutting where it's like, let me, if I imagine and let myself fully feel the worst way this could happen. I'll be prepared for when the -- it's like practice rehearsal. [laughs]
[00:23:22] Scottie: Yeah. Yeah. So I run. I run. And I still have not found a good way to explain the things that I've done or the things that I kinda, you know, the -- my running or why I continue to run or why, you know, it's unfortunately unhealthy but therapeutic to me to run from men. I'm just very fearful of pain. And it's easier for me to drop -- once I run, mentally, I leave it behind. I don't ever think about it ever again. There it is.
[00:24:02] Sylvia: [crosstalk] You block it.
[00:24:02] Scottie: I don't think about relationships ever again. If I'm the first to run and get out of here, it is not mental warfare for me. It's not, it's not any kind -- it's not crazy to me. You know, I don't have to sit and harp on it. I am moving forward and that's all I'm thinking about.
[00:24:22] Sylvia: You don't feel like he got one up on you. It's a power thing. If I leave before you leave, I'm not the punk. I didn't take the L. That's your embarrassment, it's not mine.
[00:24:29] Scottie: [crosstalk] And then, and I also don't have to deal with this shit that I dealt with my father, which is what was so bad about me that you didn't want me? You did not want me. Why? I did everything right. I was the perfect daughter. What did I do wrong? And for years, I stood there and sat there and tried to nit pick, What is it about me that would make him decide to leave me altogether? And my brother? You know, so.
[00:25:02] Sylvia: That question hurts every time I hear it, because I feel like it's the -- it's a chorus that we go through, but it's not -- it's not real -- It's not the truth. It's not -- that's not the real question.
[00:25:11] Scottie: [crosstalk] It's not!
[00:25:12] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Right. But it's hard to not ask yourself that.
[00:25:13] Scottie: But I think as a teenager, as a baby, as you know, growing up --
[00:25:17] Sylvia: Yeah.
[00:25:18] Scottie: You're thinking, what is it -- What could I have done? What could I have done to keep him here? And I think a lot of times women think about that in their relationships.
[00:25:29] Sylvia: Yes.
[00:25:29] Scottie: And I watch women.
[00:25:30] Sylvia: Yes.
[00:25:30] Scottie: And because I was raised with a bunch of women, I listened to women's experiences.
[00:25:35] Sylvia: Yes.
[00:25:35] Scottie: I, you know, especially after breakups, I don't want to go through that. That's what it is. I swear to God, I don't want to go through that. I want to go through my own little break up, my own little heartbreak, whatever it is that I'll tailor myself and put together myself. But that --.
[00:25:52] Sylvia: [crosstalk] That's the -- yeah.
[00:25:52] Scottie: [crosstalk] Mental baggage --.
[00:25:55] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Olympics. Ooh.
[00:25:55] Scottie: [crosstalk] Of what the fuck did I do?
[00:25:57] Sylvia: Trying to figure it out.
[00:25:58] Scottie: Will not be on me. I refuse.
[00:26:01] Sylvia: So you don't have to figure it out when you're the one who does it, is the difference. Right? Like when you're the one who leaves --.
[00:26:06] Scottie: I don't.
[00:26:06] Sylvia: You don't have to figure out because you left. And that's the power move.
[00:26:09] Scottie: Right.
[00:26:09] Sylvia: You know, one thing my mom did say to me, I remember one of the times I remember being really sad about the situation, my dad, and feeling like he didn't love me -- was her saying to me, it's not that your dad doesn't love you, it's that he doesn't know how to love you. He doesn't know the proper way. Nobody taught him. And like I think that speaks to the next part of this is which is like,how do we get better over the years? What have we done to not repeat the past mistakes in the healthy ways? Like, what lessons have we learned? Because I think, like, I don't want -- like I guess my biggest motivation sometimes is I don't want to have a -- like, I don't want to not know how to love my children the way it is there to be loved. I don't want to not know how to love my future husband the way he deserves to be loved. So, Scottie, as somebody who has somehow in a beautiful way --.
[00:27:04] Scottie: Somehow?
[00:27:05] Sylvia: In a beautiful way --. See I try to turn it around. [laughs].
[00:27:09] Scottie: Somehow!
[00:27:10] Sylvia: [crosstalk] I, said wow, did I say somehow? I mean --.
[00:27:10] Scottie: [crosstalk] No, somehow makes sense. Somehow.
[00:27:12] Sylvia: Somehow you found love. [singing] We found love in a hopeless place.
[00:27:20] Scottie: Hopeless place.
[00:27:20] Sylvia: You found love in a hopeless place. And I want like, what -- Where are you trying to do, let's say, to not repeat the same mistakes that you've made before.
[00:27:30] Scottie: So I want a healthier life. I just want to be healthy. Mentally. After, you know, going to therapy for years and, you know, working on myself.
[00:27:47] Scottie: I think, oh -- and Maya Angelou has this like, quote that says, Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time. And so --.
[00:27:57] Sylvia: Take another sip. Mmm. [laughs]
[00:28:02] Scottie: [crosstalk] I -- Of course, guys, please don't -- I don't have the answers. I don't have nothing. I don't have none -- nothing to my name.
[00:28:08] Sylvia: [crosstalk] We -- do you -- see here's the thing you always do. You feel like too much pressure is on you when you answer something. Just answer for yourself.
[00:28:13] Scottie: Because -- because --.
[00:28:13] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Answer for yourself. Answer for yourself.
[00:28:17] Scottie: I didn't -- I am trying to fix myself, but I've met somebody and I did not mean to meet somebody. I did not intentionally date. I did not, you know, go out there looking for my future, whomever. I went on a lunch that --.
[00:28:35] Sylvia: Oh god. [laughs] I remember that lunch.
[00:28:37] Scottie: I went on a lunch that turned into almost a year of now --.
[00:28:44] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Of lunches and dinners -- lunches and dinners and breakfasts.
[00:28:45] Scottie: [crosstalk] You know, a relationship -- of lunches and dinners and breakfasts.
[00:28:50] Sylvia: It's sounds like -- when you say you take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
[00:28:53] Scottie: It really is a one step, one day at a time. I am still learning about this new me, the better me, the me that I'm -- the better woman that I'm trying to be. So, yeah, I -- I'm growing, I'm growing. There's still a lot of things that I have to work on.
[00:29:16] Sylvia: But what -- so what are some of the things that you are actively doing? Like tangible things that you are doing to not -- that you didn't do before?
[00:29:24] Scottie: I am choosing that person every day.
[00:29:27] Sylvia: There we go.
[00:29:27] Scottie: I'm choosing that person every day. And I do it without hesitation. I try to at least, do it without hesitation. I think more days, I do it without hesitation than I do others. But I am choosing love and I am choosing him. And I think that's something, you know, although it sounds small to some, to me that's a big deal. Especially somebody who, who flees all the time.
[00:30:02] Sylvia: Yeah.
[00:30:02] Scottie: The we thing is crazy to me. But I'm learning about the we. I'm learning about the us and what it takes to be us and what it takes to be we. And that's all that I can do right now, nigga, it's a lot.
[00:30:15] Sylvia: [laughs] And that's a lot! But you know, what I think is, like what you're saying is that, like you're you're move -- you're doing this in spite of the fear. That's what I'm hearing you say, right? Like you --.
[00:30:26] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yes and --.
[00:30:26] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Have the fear and you're doing it anyway.
[00:30:28] Scottie: [crosstalk] And for somebody who is a prisoner of fear, who was a prisoner of fear for a very long time in many aspects of my life, this actually is the scariest one. I can do everything else right now. I literally can. I -- fear of anything else is I -- I'll do it. Love and loss.
[00:30:54] Sylvia: [crosstalk] And they're hand in hand cus you can't feel --
[00:30:54] Scottie: [crosstalk] Those two things -- they're hand in your hand. So you can't have -- shit.
[00:30:57] Sylvia: [crosstalk] You can't feel true love unless you feel --.
[00:30:58] Scottie: Right.
[00:30:59] Sylvia: Yeah.
[00:31:00] Scottie: Hello. So I -- that's the scariest to me, it's a fear of mine. But I want you too Sylvia since you want to be asking me the healthy changes. [laughter] What does that -- what the hell does that look like you, nigga? You tell me.
[00:31:17] Sylvia: All this, all this aggression on the back end. You be like, alright. You wanna ask all these damn questions.
[00:31:19] Scottie: [crosstalk] You're pissing me off! [laughs]
[00:31:22] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Usually you --.
[00:31:22] Scottie: [crosstalk] I'm sweating in here.
[00:31:24] Sylvia: [laughs] Literally y'all, she's wiping.
[00:31:24] Scottie: [crosstalk] Got me sweating, nigga. I am in her fanning.
[00:31:24] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Literally sweating. Every time I ask a question --.
[00:31:30] Scottie: [crosstalk] This shit is hard for me.
[00:31:30] Sylvia: [crosstalk] She's mother fucking like -- ooh! You know what's interesting? Like I said, I think for me it's -- and it's so funny. I don't think until this conversation I realized how much we are two different sides of the same coin.
[00:31:42] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah.
[00:31:42] Sylvia: Where it's like for me, I've been single for these past five years, and it feels like a long time because it's the longest time I've been single as somebody who was ever of appropriate age dating years. But it's important, I felt like it was important for me because I realized I had to learn to be okay alone. I had to learn how to embrace loneliness, this -- like fight loneliness in the fact where it's like I actually prefer to be alone in that peace. And I prefer to not be, right? And I think I need -- I knew I needed to learn how to prefer my own peace than to prefer somebody else's chaos because somebody else is there.
[00:32:29] Scottie: [crosstalk] Shit! Say it again!
[00:32:30] Sylvia: Baby! I'ma say it one more time for the people in the back. I had to learn how to love my own peace more than I loved having somebody else's chaos because somebody else was there. And that is such -- like, I had to do it because that was the only way. You know, that whole idea -- it sounds silly the whole date yourself, love yourself thing. And I -- I wouldn't have ever say I had such bad self -- like self-esteem that I didn't love myself. I've always thought it was a great person, like I've always been pretty confident in my abilities and stuff. But I think being alone with myself and being okay not having a man around for long periods of time, you know I mean, like I'm talking like a full year, no man? That was a challenge I challenged myself with because. I, I, I felt like it was the only way I was going to be able to not -- if I could tackle what I was afraid of, which was being alone, I would then make smarter -- I wouldn't make my decisions based off of that. I wouldn't stay longer because I didn't want to be alone. I wouldn't fear something ending because if on the other side of that break up or on the other side of it ending is the life I have right now that I continue to give to myself, I'm okay with that.
[00:33:44] Scottie: Right.
[00:33:44] Sylvia: And that's like -- but I still -- I had to become -- it's kind of like confronting the monster in the closet. Like I had to open the closet door. Oh, it's me alone on the other side? Okay, so now we're going to be alone. Until that doesn't look like a monster, it looks like something we enjoy and love. And so that way, I don't hold onto men too long because I'll -- and sometime to my detriment cus now I'm on the other side where it's like I be dropping niggas and like, well --.
[00:34:07] Scottie: [crosstalk] Hello.
[00:34:09] Sylvia: Like nobody -- like I be like, alright, well sorry you messed up. Got to go. And niggas be confused cus I guess they're used to women continuing to put up with stuff for a long time and we'll get to that. But for me, it's been very much like understanding I love my peace, yo. And like I -- but I had to. So that was the healthy -- that was the healthy change I had to do. I had to become and embrace being single so that no man would ever -- nobody can ever have the power over me that, What are you gonna do if I go? Where are you gonna do without me? I'ma be fucking amazing the way I was before you got here.
[00:34:40] Scottie: Nigga, puh-lease.
[00:34:42] Sylvia: This whole idea of how this has led to our own independence and standards brings us back to our good girlfriend, Gia's tweet.Where I feel like she was tweeted for all of us cause me, her, you. We have a good group of friends who are at a certain level of visibility. We have a certain level of access. We have a certain level of like, benefits that come with who we are or being seen with us. And some men see that as intimidating. Some men run for it, the clout chase. Well, let's talk about it, because I think that you and I, we are very strong personalities, as you learn by listening to this podcast. So how do you -- like I guess the thing is that like when we are as women who -- we know for all intents, purposes, have our shit together, right. Like we are financially independent, we're doing well. We're successful enough where people who are in our industry know who we are. We havea fucking pod -- Netflix podcast. I mean, hello? We're cute.
[00:35:31] Scottie: Hello.
[00:35:31] Sylvia: We're beautiful. Our skin stay glowing. Like what? How do we - like I guess the hard thing is, is it's like, how have you made peace with the fact that doesn't guarantee you have anybody? Because I think for me the hard part about this is, is that like with a new millennial ways of flirting, I'm a passive-ass dater. I'm a passive-ass dater in the sense that -- and you--.
[00:35:52] Scottie: [crosstalk] Explain what that is, yes.
[00:35:52] Sylvia: [crosstalk] You called me on this.
[00:35:53] Scottie: [crosstalk] Explain what that is, Sylvia.
[00:35:55] Sylvia: Passive means that I subscribe to what maybe some people was call an old fashioned idea that like a man should pursue me, intentionally. And I -- if he's not do -- and if he's not courting me, and by courting I think a lot of people get like hung up on how sounds medieval, but really it just means a step to me with intention bra. Calculate your -- even Michael, the greatest -- LeBron and them, calculate their shot before they shoot it. That's all I'm asking for. But I'm not --.
[00:36:22] Scottie: Okay! Okay.
[00:36:22] Sylvia: I think that the diff -- but I think that like we're in a world where we out nubmer these niggas like no other. The ratios are off. For every party, event or club or wherever bar we go to, especially in New York City and we'll be --continue to be my case in L.A., for every one of them, there's ten of us in the room, right, for them to pick from. So it's like there's that to it. But then there's also the idea that, like, I think the -- and here's the thing about my -- the basis of me liking to be pursued. Because not even like a med -- like some like old patriarchal thing. I think it's the thing that's like I'm so used to being the boss in my daily life because I run my life and I'm like, I have positions at work where I make decisions and I do all this. I would like somebody to take that over in my love life. I don't want to go from running my -- like all this shit, my own little personal brand to running this relationship or running like this dating. Like I want -- if a man can't take control or from man is too intimidated to like, step to me, it's prob -- like to me it just probably is not going to work out -- is how I calculate it--.
[00:37:26] Scottie: [crosstalk] No.
[00:37:26] Sylvia: Because it's like I need somebody who isn't afraid to pursue me --.
[00:37:32] Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah.
[00:37:32] Sylvia: Because if you're a -- if you're afraid to even step to me, how am I not going to end up walking all over you in this relationship in general?
[00:37:37] Scottie: [crosstalk] Doing the -- for real. Heel towing, right on your ass.
[00:37:40] Sylvia: Scottie knows that I have to work on, like, sometimes I'd just be saying shit. I don't even realize it, it sounds like I'm like belittling somebody or like shading somebody. I mean it's very matter of fact, a lot of times. And I be like --.
[00:37:51] Scottie: Well, yeah.
[00:37:52] Sylvia: Oh this comes off kind of crazy, but [laughs] it's just that --
[00:37:56] Scottie: Right. But because she's such a truth teller that --
[00:38:00] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Yes.
[00:38:00] Scottie: I don't think she notices when it's a little brutal, it's a little crazy.
[00:38:05] Sylvia: Something a little harsh. True.
[00:38:05] Scottie: You know, there could have been a better way to say it but, [laughter] here we are. And because I think Sylvia is severely and I know she won't agree.
[00:38:14] Sylvia: Oh?
[00:38:14] Scottie: But you're controlling. And I see it a lot.
[00:38:19] Sylvia: [crosstalk] I am. I am.
[00:38:19] Scottie: Especially now with working with you. [laughter] I see it a lot where I just be letting go of shit. I be like, let Sylvia do it please. I'll just listen. [laughter] But I think that reflects in your relationship, too. And sometimes I just want you to just let go just a little bit. Let him do whatever he's going to do just a little bit, instead of giving him your perspective every five seconds [laughter] or telling him what should have been done? Or what would have -- could have been easier. Or whatever it is for you.
[00:38:51] Sylvia: Read me then!
[00:38:51] Scottie: You know, because these are human beings. These are people. Yeah. Sylvia wants the courtship. Yes. Sylvia, wants the courthips, she wants all of it. But Sylvia doesn't go out. Before COVID 19 --.
[00:39:03] Sylvia: Wow.
[00:39:03] Scottie: Sylvia will talk about -- I'm sorry. I love you. I love you with my whole soul.
[00:39:06] Sylvia: [crosstalk] No go ahead, do it. Go ahead, go ahead. Say what you gotta say. [laughs].
[00:39:07] Scottie: But Sylvia will talk about courtship and wanting to date, but we'll never step out of her home in Brooklyn. And the one time that she does, she go -- see look! [laughter] Nothing happened. Well nigga, you gotta got to go out more than once a month. You know what I'm saying? Give yourself some grace. Give these fucking outings some grace, you know what I'm saying. So Sylvia is just a bit -- she's patient, but she's a bit impatient when it comes to the dating life outside of her home. I don't know what happens inside her home.
[00:39:42] Sylvia: [laughs] Let me tell y'all, let me tell you why Scottie --.
[00:39:44] Scottie: [crosstalk] But --.
[00:39:45] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Scottie's sugar coating it cus the way she put it to me -- I'll never forget on cus she read the shit out of me --.
[00:39:49] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Oh cus she --.
[00:39:49] Scottie: [crosstalk] She was very much like, you think that the man for you going to knock on -- magically know your apartment, knock on the door and come see you?
[00:39:55] Scottie: Knock on your damn door, right.
[00:39:56] Sylvia: She also said this, but she also does this when she wants me to come out with her and I want to stay in the house. [laughs] So she trying to use it multiple ways.
[00:40:04] Scottie: No, I tell your ass that all the time. All the time.
[00:40:08] Sylvia: I feel like the intentional part of it -- and this is also where we differ cus we're talking about this earlier, like happens before you go out, right. Like the intentional work I do is knowing what my negotiables are. Know what my non negotiables are. You know, making the list of the things that matter the most to me so that I know when I meet somebody, I don't get distracted by the good looks or the good sex or whatever else may be involved that distracts us often as women to be like, okay but when -- Let me refer to this list. Okay so this is new, this dude don't got none of the things I'm looking for actually. And so I should probably not spend my time here.
[00:40:41] Scottie: Yeah. And what are the new Millennial ways of flirting? By the way cus --
[00:40:47] Sylvia: I -- child. If I get one more eye emoji in my arms after I post the selfie. Or like a GIF --
[00:40:52] Sylvia: And what you say back? And what you say back. I -- You know, I've come to just posting the eye emoji back. Like the fu -- what we just here looking at each other? Like we just going look at each other together? Like why you like --.
[00:41:02] Scottie: [crosstalk] I mean, yeah. Or you just be like, what you've got to say? Why? What -- what you put eyes in my --.
[00:41:05] Sylvia: Sometimes be like, yes? You know what I mean like, yes? You know, like. But it's like I just learned like the -- men are not used to -- I don't know, like -- I'm not here to blame women about nothing y'all but I don't know why, like when I looking -- like men act like I'm the first woman who's asked them for a little bit more effort than anybody else in their life. Where it's like, oh, you mean the eye emojis didn't work? You not just going not do all the work now that you know I'm interested?
[00:41:31] Scottie: Well hold on now. Hold on now. Hold on.
[00:41:34] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Okay. Okay. What?
[00:41:35] Scottie: Cause I don't know how to flirt. There's a lot of men too. You know, there's a lot people that don't know how to flirt.
[00:41:41] Sylvia: Yes.
[00:41:41] Scottie: I'm not good at flirting. I use my eyes and that's all that I have. Come for me.
[00:41:47] Sylvia: But you have some very -- You have some very -- like you goood -- your eye -- you have some very like -- you and LaKeith, yo. Y'all know you can give the looks. Not everybody has that gift.
[00:41:54] Scottie: Oh Yeah. I can give you -- but, but if I'm not face to face with you, how do I flirt? You know what I'm saying. So the reason why I'm in a relationship today is because I like three photos from 105 weeks ago on Instagram.
[00:42:11] Sylvia: Did that make him DM you? When you like the old photos?
[00:42:14] Scottie: Yeah, he DMed me.
[00:42:15] Sylvia: What he say? Do you mind sharing?
[00:42:17] Scottie: [crosstalk] He -- Well, I liked it and he liked some of mine. And then he followed me and then I followed him. And then he DMed me when I was going to some event or whatever, I had something going on. He was like, RSVP see you there, or some shit like that. And I was like, oh. Alright.
[00:42:34] Sylvia: So we're going to do this in person, got it. Cute.
[00:42:36] Scottie: Yeah.
[00:42:37] Sylvia: I don't know why I'm afraid to like, shoot my sh -- I think it's I have a fear of rejection like most people. And like, I don't -- I'm not looking for active reasons to be rejected. But like I said also I like be pursued. I think my problem is I be playing it subtle and I often get friend zoned as a result. I'm often like the homegirl and not the girlfriend. Majority of the time. I guess the ways I show interest somehow it always just turns into me being good friends with that guy versus us being -- and I guess it's because I'll make myself available to them in the way for us to be able to like -- that's, that's me leaning in, right? Like I lean in. Now you see, I'm interested. Take it across the board. But then there's like a bunch of niggas who just never take it further. So they're -- we're just -- now I'm just stuck with a bunch of guys who I would have dated but are just my friends now. And here we are. I'm not going to sit here and ask myself those insecure-ass questions as of why. But we'll say that like a lot of my homeboys, whether, whatever stage of life cus it's not -- It's not the case, let's be clear if you're a friend listening, I don't have crushes on all my homeboys. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that there are --.
[00:43:45] Scottie: [crosstalk] None of y'all niggas could get it. Not one.
[00:43:47] Sylvia: There's some of -- there's some, a couple that like where it could have been something else, but it never turned into that. I can't -- I can't -- and I know a lot of -- cus even Jasmyn Lawson, one of our producers on the show, she tweeted about how she is constantly always the friend, never the girlfriend. And she's a great girl. Right. I think it's a real thing a lot of women deal with. But I don't think men have the answers because even when I posted those tweets, I literally like, niggas was in my DMs like, how? Oh, you're so great and single. And I'm like nigga, you are -- you guys are literally niggas who are my friends who have not tried to be more than my friends. And they're telling me how you can't believe I'm single. And I'm like, you if couldn't believe how come I'm single why are -- haven't you tried to date me?
[00:44:30] Sylvia: I feel like whatever the answer is, is the answer. I don't know, so I don't know, niggas, let me know using the #okaynowlisten. [laughs].
[00:44:40] Scottie: Yo, use the #niggas, niggas who don't lie, which is none of y'all. But if it just happens to be one of y'all out there, #okaynowlisten and tell us your answer. I do want to research this. Like I -- I want the truth about things like this-.
[00:44:54] Sylvia: [crosstalk] This will be an ongoing segment. I want the truth! Nigga my -- apparently my love life depends on it. I got to figure it out.
[00:45:00] Scottie: This I think I should do with you. This has shit to do with them. Whatever baggage or shit that they're holding on to, whatever they're going through, whatever, you know, past experiences and adolescent issues that happened back then. That's what they're dealing with. And this has something to do with them. I want them to answer. You ain't got to answer not a damn thing, Sylvia. And don't --.
[00:45:20] Sylvia: [crosstalk] But then you --.
[00:45:21] Scottie: [crosstalk] You open your mouth say not a damn thing --.
[00:45:23] Sylvia: Alright.
[00:45:23] Scottie: Else after this.
[00:45:23] Sylvia: All right. I'm done.
[00:45:27] Scottie: Now.
[00:45:27] Sylvia: So until they do, this is more about how do we become I -- okay with the idea or the acceptance of being single forever. Like --.
[00:45:34] Scottie: I ask myself this question --.
[00:45:36] Sylvia: Am I okay with being --.
[00:45:38] Scottie: All the time.
[00:45:38] Sylvia: Single forever? Is a real-ass question that it always circles back to. Because like you said, like we -- I'm doing all the right things. Everything is great. I've -- I'm still single. Not not because I'm not sitting her pretending niggas haven't tried. Cus that's not what I'm saying. But nobody's tried really. So like the question is, is like --.
[00:45:59] Scottie: Right.
[00:45:59] Sylvia: What can -- is that a concept you can make peace with even if your relationship doesn't work? Cus like sometimes I'll see, like, you know. Tracee Ellis Ross talk about how happy, fulfilled she is. But then I look at her and them -- her family Christmas photos surrounded by all her brothers and sisters and their husbands and wives and their kids. And I'm like, is she really happy? And I believe -- like all I can do is take her at her word when she says she's happy. But I don't know if I could be. And I feel weak for feeling that way. I feel like less of a feminist for feeling that way. I feel very backwards for feeling that I -- but I want kids. I want a husband. I want -- I think a lot of us want -- one of my greatest desires is to create the home for myself that I wish I could have came home to as a kid.
[00:46:46] Scottie: Yep.
[00:46:46] Sylvia: You know and that's like -- I had to pause -- [laughs]
[00:46:49] Scottie: [crosstalk] Wait, no --.
[00:46:49] Sylvia: [crosstalk] When I said it cus I'm like damn --.
[00:46:52] Scottie: [crosstalk] I know.
[00:46:52] Sylvia: [crosstalk] But it's like --
[00:46:53] Scottie: [crosstalk] No, that's true.
[00:46:53] Sylvia: [crosstalk] I want to create -- like I want to create the home I could have come home to. And I think if I -- while I am extremely happy, I've loved -- like I love, like I haven't even been stressing during quarantine. Ask Scottie. I haven't stressed throughout it all about like -- I've been good here by myself literally since March. But there's a difference between a year, two years, four years, five years and forever. And like now I'm entering my thirties and in five year years I'ma have to start asking myself some real fertility questions, you know what I mean? It's like I don't know --
[00:47:23] Scottie: Right.
[00:47:23] Sylvia: If I -- think if I'm being 100 percent honest, the answer for me is, no. I would not be okay with being single forever. How about you?
[00:47:33] Scottie: Hah. Listen. I ask myself this question -- I ask myself this question a lot. I ask myself this. I've been asking myself that question since probably high school. I want my kid. This is another thing. I have been -- I had said this to you before, Sylvia, where I've always seen myself as a single mother because my mom was one. So whenever I talk about my future, my future never involved a marriage, never involved an extra person in his house. It's involved -- well, it's involved --
[00:48:08] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Kids.
[00:48:08] Scottie: Kid. And that's about it.
[00:48:08] Sylvia: Interesting. Cus I could never make myself picture having kids without a husband.
[00:48:12] Scottie: I believe -- No. No, no.
[00:48:15] Sylvia: [crosstalk] No, I know it's a real thing. I haven't been able to picture it the other way around.
[00:48:16] Scottie: I never, I never -- yeah.
[00:48:18] Sylvia: Even though my mom and -- was like for fifteen -- from 14 to 20, like whatever, it was just her, me and my sister. Been her, me and my sister since I was fifteen. So.
[00:48:28] Scottie: Right. Right. And I'm sure I think about letting you know, my mother down or letting the family down or letting people down with, like, not actually having a husband or something like that. I think about that often. Or disappointing my family with that, but my family don't have much room to speak turn.
[00:48:51] Sylvia: [laughs] [inaudible] Not a corner! [laughs]
[00:48:51] Scottie: You should sit -- Sis you should sit this one out. You should have your food on that one. But, But I think I would be okay.Do I want it? No. I don't want that. But if it does happen to me --.
[00:49:09] Sylvia: [crosstalk] I will survive.
[00:49:09] Scottie: I will be okay. And I think my mom has made it a priority to seek happiness outside of relationships. So I think there is a way -- or for me to be happy without one.
[00:49:27] Sylvia: Mmm.
[00:49:27] Scottie: I think I'd be sad about it. Cer -- certainly, absolutely. I think there'll be moments where I'm very sad about it, but I'll be okay. And I would find happiness elsewhere.
[00:49:38] Sylvia: Yeah, I would definitely find a way to deal with it. It's not what I want. But like, like you said. But I do know -- and I think this is what's the difference between Sylvia-- grown ass woman Sylvia and like teenage Sylvia -- is that, I'm not willing to compromise my peace for a relationship or for their hope of that household.
[00:49:58] Scottie: [crosstalk] Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
[00:49:59] Sylvia: So while it is what I want and what I hope and what I pray for, I'm not going to do it at the detriment of myself and my sanity --.
[00:50:07] Scottie: [crosstalk] Absolutley.
[00:50:07] Sylvia: And my peace of mind. So let's just hope the two can coincide.
[00:50:10] Scottie: I'm still gonna get mine.
[00:50:12] Sylvia: And that's -- and that's a [laughs] -- that's a fact.
[00:50:15] Scottie: Huh, huh.
[00:50:15] Sylvia: This -- do not confuse any it is the idea that we are not, have not and will not continue to get ours on the side. We just mean that --
[00:50:24] Scottie: Oh.
[00:50:25] Sylvia: In ser -- we're talking about serious love, growth relationships.
[00:50:26] Scottie: [crosstalk] Series love, y'all.
[00:50:27] Scottie: [crosstalk] Not the, not the fun stuff on the left.
[00:50:29] Scottie: [crosstalk] One day we'll talk about -- yeah. We're going to talk about a hot girl set -- We're going to have a hot girl episode one day.
[00:50:35] Sylvia: [crosstalk] My mom -- I'm going to need a pass code that no family member can access that episode. [laughter] Whenever it ever happens. But this was a great conversation. And I -- you know --.
[00:50:45] Scottie: [crosstalk] This was great.
[00:50:45] Sylvia: I may have more questions and answers always, but I'll definitely be taking this insight with me to California. And I promise to keep you updated on how that goes.
[00:50:56] Scottie: I love you, Sylvia.
[00:50:57] Sylvia: I love you, too girl. I'm glad you love me cus I don't got nobody else. [laughs].
[00:51:01] Scottie: Girl! You better gotta love me. Spend time loving me. All that extra love. You could love me, nigga.
[00:51:08] Sylvia: [laughs] I do.
[00:51:10] Scottie: Love me enough to stay yo ass here. How about that?
[00:51:14] Sylvia: [laughs] All right. Next segment. Ahem. [laughter].
[00:51:15] [Music In]
[00:51:22] Scottie: All right, now is a time where we put y'all onto things we enjoy in hopes that you can enjoy it, too. Sylvia, what are you recommending this week, Sis?
[00:51:34] Sylvia: We're bringing a whole new meaning to enjoy [laughs] this week.
[00:51:38] Scottie: We are talking about --.
[00:51:41] Sylvia: Because. --.
[00:51:42] Scottie: N Joy.
[00:51:43] Sylvia: We are talking about N, the letter N-joy in sense that to keep in theme with our conversation about being okay and singleness and all of that stuff, I'm going to recommend one of my favorite vibrators to the people. Because sis, when you're trying to lean though -- get, get, get that self love in this will add a healthy dose because nothing is more powerful than a woman who they were to give herself her own orgasm and does not need a man to achieve so.
[00:52:13] Scottie: Amen.
[00:52:13] Sylvia: So self love is a different -- mean, has a lot of different meanings. We don't talk about this version enough. I want to recommend one from our good sis at the -- from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kandi Burruss [laughs].
[00:52:26] Scottie: Yes girl.
[00:52:27] Sylvia: Kandi Koated nights! That's what I think of when I think of that. But she has a whole line of toys, honestly. And she once sent me a package, apparently on National Orgasm Day, and it had her Kandi kisses in it. And that is the lipstick version of her vibrator. And what I appreciate about this vibrator and why I'm saying it specifically is because if you like me are somebody who likes to be discreet about your stuff, it's perfect because it literally has a cap on -- like it looks like a lipstick. You can -- if you want to travel with it in your makeup bag and, you know, security wants to, like, run your shit. They won't know that they're looking at your vibrator when they see it. If you accidentally leave it out in your apartment, your mama won't necessarily know. And now my will. [laughter] But your mama won't necessarily know that it's a vibrator that your looking at.
[00:53:15] Scottie: I mean, if your mom is an insanely good nosy, yes.
[00:53:19] Sylvia: And then opens it up and is like, Yeah, but --.
[00:53:21] Scottie: Your mother -- Yes, my mother would find out.
[00:53:23] Sylvia: And I it's -- it's one of the smaller ones. It was basically like for clit pleasure, mostly, like it's not one that you insert yourself. It's just one that you put up at the top to get the job done. It has multiple speed options, which is always great because no one orgasm is the same. And it's chargeable. We love a charger. And it's quiet and I love that for those of us who especially don't live alone and need just like a quiet home and not for the whole house to know you trying get your rocks off. [laughter] And it's waterproof because as somebody who loves a good bath.
[00:53:56] Scottie: Yes, child!
[00:53:57] Sylvia: Let me tell you what happens when you lay and you experience this! [laughs] Ow! Uh huh. Okay. So, Scottie. What is -- which vibrator are you recommended for the people this week?
[00:54:09] Scottie: Listen, I might have to purchase some of them Kandi kisses Koated. [laughter] But but, you know. All right, first of all, I have to come clean. I have a massager, you know, from Brown Sugar, where Queen Latifah --.
[00:54:27] Sylvia: [crosstalk] From Brookstone. She got -- [laughs].
[00:54:29] Scottie: Right. She got a Brookstone massager. I'm one of those.
[00:54:33] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Just like, just like Sid.
[00:54:34] Scottie: [crosstalk] Okay it's a vibrator but.
[00:54:35] Sylvia: It's a vibrator.
[00:54:37] Scottie: But I'm going to recommend the marillyn waterproof vibrator. It's on Babeland.com. It's $23.99, sis. It's in stock.
[00:54:47] Sylvia: It's affordable. [laughs]
[00:54:48] Scottie: Okay. It's $23.99 A-- which means, you know, because you can buy a few -- a few vibrators to, you know? Have a few in your drawer. Don't have just one, a trusty dusty. That's what I have in case you're guessing.
[00:54:59] Sylvia: [crosstalk] That's what I have too! We're -- Don't be like us!
[00:55:01] Scottie: [crosstalk] But I want -- I want options. [laughs] So I got to give me some options.
[00:55:05] Scottie: So we going to buy this together.
[00:55:07] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Yes. We're gonna buy this together.
[00:55:07] Scottie: [crosstalk] But this is a -- it requires to doubleA batteries. Yes. We're going old school with it, but it gets the job done. [laughter] And it's classic. It's cute. And it's like --.
[00:55:21] Sylvia: [crosstalk] It's sleek.
[00:55:22] Scottie: [crosstalk] It's nice and sleek. Classy.
[00:55:24] Sylvia: Describing it like it's a car. [laughs].
[00:55:29] Scottie: It's classy.
[00:55:29] Sylvia: It's also waterproof.
[00:55:31] Scottie: Yeah. And, you know, the intensity is there. So it gets intense enough for people like me who only ride on the highest -- the highest of speeds --
[00:55:42] Sylvia: Wow. You said rides on to start that and it really the sentence to a whole new level.
[00:55:47] Scottie: [crosstalk] Rides on the hightest of speeds. I am a speed demon. Please! You know, try the intense level out --.
[00:55:52] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Whew! [laughs]
[00:55:52] Scottie: Yeah but please enjoy yourself, sis. Also just because you got a man don't mean --.
[00:56:00] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Talk about it.
[00:56:01] Scottie: That yu have to stop masturbating.
[00:56:03] Sylvia: [sings] [crosstalk] Talk about it. Talk about it
[00:56:04] Scottie: Please continue to masturbate. Because that saves relationships.
[00:56:09] Sylvia: Ha ha!
[00:56:09] Scottie: It will save yours, sis. Okay?
[00:56:11] Sylvia: If you got to go in as a team, the team effort is orgasm should be achieved. Sometimes a nigga can -- listen, if you -- listen women, we lie a lot about orgasms. Listen. Be honest with them, man. Y'all should.
[00:56:24] Scottie: [crosstalk] Oh my God.
[00:56:24] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Do what it takes to get it together. And no man should be intimidated by bringing a vibrator into the bed, if that's what you need to finish it off that night. Not saying it has to happen every night, but every now and then you need a little some extra. And that man should be man enough to pull out that thing and make it happen for the both of you, because you deserve.
[00:56:45] Scottie: One day we're gonna have a real sincere conversation about us lying to these niggas about orgasms. [laughter]And if -- and who's pussy is theirs. We gonna really dig in deep and get our hands dirty because I know which one of y'all, which one of y'all is lying to these niggas so that they could pass on and give bad dick to everybody else after you.
[00:57:06] Sylvia: [crosstalk] And be confused!
[00:57:06] Scottie: That shit is petty. And we're gonna have a conversation about it.
[00:57:10] Sylvia: [laughs] We are --.
[00:57:10] Scottie: We're gonna really sit down.
[00:57:11] Sylvia: We're gonna take on that.
[00:57:12] Scottie: We're gonna have a Red Table Talk. Absolutely.
[00:57:13] Sylvia: [crosstalk] We're gonna have a Red Table Talk!
[00:57:15] Scottie: Because I am sick of y'all bitches -- all of us? Really? Y'all gonna sit there and lie to that nigga about his dick? and then I'ma be the one to give him the bad news? [laughter] I'm the villain? And I'll be that. I be that. Anyway. Yes girl. Stop lying about the dick.
[00:57:32] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Oh god.
[00:57:33] Scottie: Stop lying about the dick please.
[00:57:35] Sylvia: So yes, these are our vibrator suggestions. [laughs].
[00:57:38] Scottie: [crosstalk] Enjoy yourself, sis, in the meantime.
[00:57:39] Sylvia: [crosstalk] We are putting you on.
[00:57:40] [Music In].
[00:57:40] Sylvia: We are putting you on to the pleasure this quarantine. It's for the both of you honestly. And men if you're listening, get this for your girl. Be that boyfriend, okay. Don't, don't be that one --.
[00:57:50] Scottie: [crosstalk] Be that! Yes!
[00:57:50] Sylvia: [crosstalk] Don't be -- [sings] just be a man about it.
[00:58:02] Scottie: [sings] About it.
[00:58:02] Sylvia: That is another episode. Thank you all for tuning in.
[00:58:06] Scottie: Our show is a production of Pineapple's Street Studios in partnership with Netflix and Strong Black Lead. Shout out to our team. Executive Producers are Agerenesh Ashagre and Jasmyn Lawson. Our Lead Producer is Jess Jupiter. And our music is by Amanda Jones. Special thanks to Max Linsky and Jenna Weiss-Berman.
[00:58:24] Sylvia: Make sure you share your thoughts with us on the episode using the #okaynowlisten. Follow Strong Black Lead on the socials @StrongBlackLead and follow us too. I'm @SylviaObell.
[00:58:36] Scottie: And I'm @ScottieBeam.
[00:58:39] Sylvia: Until next time folks, stay blessed!
[00:58:41] Scottie: Bye.
[00:58:42] [Music Out]