On this episode, we check in with ourselves and fellow Black women about the weight of the world in light of the verdict of Breonna Taylor. Then, we define what coping looks like for us right now and some ways Black women can come together to collectively cope. We also chat about the healthy ways we can use social media to heal. Finally, we share some of our coping practices that we hope can help ease your heart, mind and spirit.
Okay, Now Listen Season 1 Episode 12 Transcript
[Music in]
Scottie Beam: You're listening to Okay, Now Listen, a biweekly show where we chat about what's on our minds, what we're bingeing and what's blowing up our timelines. I'm Scottie Beam. I'm a media personality, content creator, music enthusiast and a wing connoisseur.
Sylvia Obell: And I'm Sylvia Obell. I'm a culture writer, host, producer and lover of Beyoncé.
[Music out]
Scottie: And this week, this past week has been rough, Sylvio. A lot. It's been very exhausting.
Sylvia: Yeah, girl. I am -- all the Black women inside of me are tired.
Scottie: Shout to Nayyirah Waheed.
Sylvia: Yes. She -- I, I felt -- when she said that, I felt that. She must have had the prophetic wisdom to see what 20/20 was going to be like for us. Because every week I think I can't get more tired than the week before and 20/20 proves me wrong. Like just, you know, it's not even been a full week since we heard the verdict about Bre -- the grand jury verdict about Breonna Taylor that we all knew was coming but was -- didn't want to hear any way. Like I saw you tweet that you weren't surprised. I know a lot people were like, we're not surprised. We're just disappointed.
Scottie: It's just the constant reminder that, like, America does not value Black people at all. There's like zero respect. And although, like, I'm supposed to know that and I know that, but constantly being, you know, it being shoved in my face is getting exhausting.
Sylvia: Yes.
Scottie: And it's making me angry. I remember, like Langston Hughes said, Negroes, sweet and docile, meek, humble and kind. Beware the day they change their minds. That verdict --.
Sylvia: Mhmm.
Scottie: Was like c -- like my mind was changing, sweetheart. [laughter] Like it was on that way. And even -- I, I tweeted, like I said, burn it down. Because at this, at this -- the system is so fucked up and the system is working exactly how it's supposed to work.
Sylvia: Right.
Scottie: The only way we can, you know, fix the system is to burn it all the fuck down and start over.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Yeah, from scratch. Yeah.
Scottie: [crosstalk] You know what I'm saying. So.
Sylvia: It's, it's very disheartening. It's very -- and it also, it's just insulting. It's disrespectful in the sense that, like, they see us marching. It's like so we're doing all of this. We're actively, regularly in the streets, on the Internet telling you guys this and you -- and white people stay looking in our face like, how come it can't be all lives matter? How come it can't be this? Like, what's the like d-- like they don't see the difference. That's the other thing, too. It's like beat -- like beating me down and then pretending like you never touched me is even more insulting than just beating me down, at least acknowledging that that -- that this is something that happens. It's gaslighting.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: Like they make us feel like we're crazy.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: Like, oh no. Well this, this and this is the reason. It can't just be because she was a Black woman. And it's like, you've lived here just as long as we have. Like, why are you acting like you don't know. Like at least acknowledge the privilege.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: Atleast, stop acting like Black Lives Matter movement is just dumb or racist when the system is what's dumb and racist. And we are really just trying to find a way to get y'all to see that and hear us without doing what Langston said. Like, it's like I'm just exhausted with the whole thing. And then it's just like on top of Breonna, as if that's not bad enough, it's like I feel like Black women, especially this week, felt within like 48 hours, our double minority. Because we literally went from Breonna Taylor's verdict being her neighbor's wall, got more rights than her. Like the literal next day that Breon -- after Breanna Taylor's murders went free, Tory Lanez decides, you know what? Today's the today, I want to go ahead and drop this music and attack Black women even more, because what does a matt -- like, because I don't want to read the room because, like, whatever, it doesn't matter. And I'm just like literally Black men and, and the -- the brainwashed Black woman who had the nerve to run behind Tory with this too. Y'all literally in one breath can see when white people do it but you can't see when you all do it to us, right. Cause, you know, somebody said to me, oh, because, so we can hear Meg's side but we can't hear Tory side because he's a man. It's like --.
Scottie: [crosstalk] No dumbass.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] No dumbass. We don't care his side because he shot her. I don't, I don't care. If, if somebody shot --
Scottie: [crosstalk] That should be it.
Sylvia: If somebody shot your mother, do you want to hear both sides my nigga?
Scottie: His side?
Sylvia: You wanna hear both sides?
Scottie: You wanna hear what happened?
Sylvia: That's what you care about? I bet you don't.
Scottie: So that you can -- [laughter] you can weigh the options. You can hear both sides and say, hmm, maybe my mom wasn't in the wrong.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Ooohhh. I get it.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Shut the fuck up.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] I understand why you shot my mother.
Scottie: [crosstalk] I understand now. Yeah, I get it.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Because you sound just like the white people who are like, well, Breonna's ex-boyfriend, she did go to the trap house and he had been to her house. And, and, and, and. You sound just like them. I don't give a fuck if she literally was a part of anything. She deserved to go to trial. She does have to go to court. She deserves to be alive. We are -- we do not have to be perfect victims for you guys to keep us alive. We are allowed to be flawed human beings. We're allowed to make mistakes. Cus white kids, get to make mistakes every fucking day of the week. So miss me, miss me with all the reasons why you think Beonna deserved to be killed. Don't nobody deserves to be killed. That's not our system.
Scottie: Or even why Megan deserved to get shot.
Sylvia: Right.
Scottie: So--.
Sylvia: It's like literally we're here hearing. And it's like with one breath Black men are like, oh yeah, the people who -- the white people who are saying this about Breanna Taylor hear both sides sound dumb. Then you turn around the next day and be like, well, let's hear Tory out. I'm fed the fuck up.
Scottie: Y'all had him go number the fuck one. Y'all make me sick. And if you've listened, y'all make me sick too. Cause I didn't listen to a damn thing.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] I didn't watch it.
Scottie: I haven't heard anything.
Sylvia: Nope.
Scottie: I've only seen the tweets that people write about it or what he said. But I haven't listened to not one track.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] It better not hit the Billboard charts it. That shit better not hit the Billboard -- I mean, number one -- Because it's like, it was the next day. Right. So they're talking about like no one streaming wise or whatever.
Scottie: Streaming, yes.
Sylvia: It's fucking ridiculous to me that Tory even -- like if nothing else, and I wasn't going to watch it anyway. But it's wild to me that not at one point that he apologized publicly to Megan. Like, how do you not apologize? How do you not say, I'm sorry? Wear in your mind, do you get, I'ma do a diss track? I'ma do a diss album. Like, you double down and knew that it would be okay. Because who's gonna check you? Not, not your fans. Not Black men.
Scottie: Not your fans. Oh, no, no. And also, also not Black women. Because there was some Black women, there was a lot of Black women too. I saw some Black women say, you know, even I was listening to "Ebro in the Morning" on Hot 97 and a girl was going there copping pleas for -- on Tory Lanez talking about, you know-- .
Sylvia: Just dumb.
Scottie: Oh, how do we know this? You don't even know why he did it. Or you don't even know if it's true. If I got shot -- bitch, you've never been shot. So you can't speak about what you would do if you were shot. You have no idea.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] I hate hypotheticals.
Scottie: You have no idea what you would do. Right. So stop trying to put yourself in people's shoes and you don't know anything. You don't know how you'd react to it. Nobody knows. You don't even know if you would live through it.
Sylvia: Right. So like literally my my big -- like the thing to me that's just so frustrating is that Black women, we live in a patriarchal society and it ca -- and those of us who have been able to do the work to see how we can liberate ourselves from their mindframe of like men making us believe that they deserve to explain why they hurt us and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's sad to me. It's never sadder to me that when it's Black women standing up behind Black men who will turn around and shoot your ass in the foot while you're defending him. And then it's up to us to pick you up and take you to the hospital, because those niggas won't. And all the while you're screaming, let's hear both sides. Like, girl! Like, we have got to stop thinking that we really deserve to be hurt. And then also hear our -- the people who are vowing against us out. Like, fuck what society -- fuck what -- like your fa -- like, fuck what the men in your life have made you think that you ever have to sit there and let them --.
Scottie: And be the mule.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: [crosstalk] And be the motherfucking mule.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Because they won't be the mule for you.
Scottie: No, they will not.
Sylvia: Have some self respect and know that sometimes the action should have just never happened. Fuck why.
Scottie: Yeah.
Sylvia: The action shouldn't have happened. They should have had more respect. Tory should have had more respect for Megan than to shoot her ass in the foot over some dumb shit. And you should have had more respect for women than to think that when Megan said something like this. Literally showed you her foot, which she should've never had to do on the Internet. You have -- we have video of her limping. All of these things and you still don't -- it's not enough? Fuck you. [laughs]
Scottie: I, honestly, I am exhausted. [laughter] I'm so tired of talking about that fuckin little dweeb and --.
Sylvia: Dweeb is the word for -- the name for him.
Scottie: Everything going on because -- because it's like it got me asking questions like, you know, does this mean that I have to master the art of escapism? And what does escapism look like to me?
Sylvia: We can't escape our skin. We can't escape our feelings. Yeah.
Scottie: Right. But but what -- what what does it look like for us?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: What does that look like? Like how do we keep this reality from robbing us of every fiber of joy we once had? I don't even know, I don't -- whatever the joy was you last had, how do you keep it? Because --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] I remember joy, I think.
Scottie: Having to rediscover and salvage like something you never tried to lose in the first place can get exhausting. It's exhausting having to rediscover joy, having to find the joy that you lost, having to always try to hold on tight to the last joy you had. Like, it's exhausting. Like it's tiring -- I'm tired. I'm very tired. And I know I use that a lot. Because I am. I am sleeping the most I've ever slept in my life. Like because that's the only way I can escape.
Sylvia: Hmm.
Scottie: And that's my form of escapism is through sleeping. And even then, I think of Breonna Taylor, who was sleeping and couldn't escape. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's no place for me to go, for me to feel safe.
Sylvia: None.
Scottie: And I remember, you know, Gia, had asked the question, like, what will it take for you to feel safe? What does that look like to you? And I didn't have an answer because I don't know what safety looks like.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: And I remember tweeting that and saying I'm 29 years old and I don't know how to ex -- how to explain to anyone how they can make me safe, how can make me feel safe because I've never experienced safety. I don't know what that looks like. I had never had anybody give that to me. And not -- especially not a man.
Sylvia: Mhmm.
Scottie: So when these girls walk around and they're looking for protection, they're looking for help, even if they mess up -- and they're allowed, like you said, they should be allowed mistakes. You don't turn their back on them. You try to protect them as much as you can. And I think we should start doing that more because -- because that could be you. That could be your daughter. That can be your granddaughter. That could be your great granddaughter. Unfortunately, I have to take it to family in order for people to see and understand it --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Cus we're not human enough otherwise.
Scottie: Right. Human just doesn't do it.
Sylvia: I think about that safety question. It haunts me because I do think as a child, I felt safe sometimes. But I think for me, growing up was the realization that safety is an illusion. It was like finding out Santa Claus ain't real. It's like safety ain't real either, especially as a Black woman in America. Breonna Taylor had a Black man in her bed with her when this happened. He -- you know, and he's facing issues because he had his form of protection to try to --.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right. Right.
Sylvia: Help protect them in that moment. It's a perfect example of how literally, even when you're not alone and there is somebody there trying to protect you, we still can't be protected.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: And I feel like the question a lot of us are circling around in this moment is how do we cope with not feeling safe? What do we do with this feeling? I don't even know if there's a way to move forward because I feel like that's why they were circling. I almost feel like I'm just circling a drain, a lot of times.
Scottie: Yeah.
Sylvia: Just like -- because I don't know who -- I don't know. I think we should spend the rest of this episode talking about that and the ways, the small ways in which we do try to survive and cope with the heaviness and the weight of being at the bottom of the fucking totem pole. Not even just in this country but in the world, as Black women. And double minorities who feel like we're constantly being forced to choose between being a woman and Black. And how something that's so hard for people allow us to be both. So let's, let's try to dig into that a little bit.
[Music in]
[Music out]
Scottie: So with all that's going on in the world and, you know, from watching CNN all day or reading article after article after article, we often hear, you know, things like, how are you going -- how are you going to cope with this? Or how do you heal from this? And number one, I often don't hear people define what coping looks like for them. You know, like what does healing look like for them? And what's the process for you? What does it look like, you know? So, Sylvia, like, what is coping look like for you?
Sylvia: Yeah. I mean, I think I, I definitely am somebody who conflates coping with surviving because I, I don't know if there's really a way to fully cope with the trauma that comes with being a Black woman in America. But I do know we have to survive. Like the, the women who came before us. And I often just think about what I need to do, to -- sometimes it's as simple as like, I think depending on the day, the week, it's like me thinking, how do I get from this week to next week? How do I get from this day to next -- to the next day? And then some days it's like, how do I get from this hour to the next hour? You know what I mean, I think as a Black woman who -- I tend to think very big picture and far ahead. The way 20/20 has broken me in a sense, is that, like, I no longer have the capacity to think further than maybe a -- you know a couple weeks at a time because it's just too much. I feel like I'm just so easily overwhelmed by the fact that I'm operating under so much dis -- duress and trauma and it's just hitting me at every angle. And I'm still expected to deliver as if nothing is going on, as if this pandemic isn't going on, as if Breonna Taylor's trial wasn't going on, as if I'm not being trolled by men and white people at every turn for just feeling. And even when we do try to do that thing of healing online and on Twitter, I know you and I are both people who do try to take some of what we do and what we can do to share it to fellow Black women on Twitter or Instagram. And even then in that space, we know that we're facing backlash because of like, just because we're trying to find the space with each other to do this publicly or grieve publicly or cope publicly. And it's hard, bruh. It's really hard. I mean, I know for me, if I want to talk about, like, actual tangible things I do, getting back into therapy this summer was something that was a must for me. It was a must for me by any means necessary, because this was not a chapter of adulting that like anybody grew -- like groomed us for. Like because I can't have a safe space physically, I think I try to find safe spaces emotionally and mentally, even if it's moment by moment. So whether that is my hour long therapy session where I know that there is a space and time where my feelings and my emotions are validated, understood, not gas lit and even am given by some -- a professional ways to deal better than I could before. That's helpful to me. Or if that safe space is like escaping -- escapism. I do that a lot too. Escapism and it's -- and I know that's not necessarily the healthy way but sometimes I literally have to block out the world so that I can even just have an hour of just a little bit of laughter. Whether it's watching Girlfriends or bingeing that -- like I'm watching the movie that feels familiar or that I love. Or having a phone conversation with family or friends. Like, you know, even talk -- like talking to you. Those moments where it's like I am fully loved and understood in this space, those help. But it's still so hard because the call -- the phone call always ends. The show always ends. The movie always ends. The therapy session always ends. And I'm left with myself.
Scottie: Yeah.
Sylvia: How about you?
Scottie: I tried to take a break from surviving and take like one piece of living. Because are you surviving or are you living? Are you actually living life?
Sylvia: Mmm. COVID said, no. I be trying. [laughs]
Scottie: We can -- Well, I mean, because you can -- I mean, not just going outside. You know, small pieces of, of just living. You know, buying some ice cream that you really like and you really love, that's living sometimes. You know something that actually brings you some joy. You're at -- right. [laughter] Like, I've been living.
Sylvia: I've been living in that sense, girl.
Scottie: So things that bring you joy. You know, I don't care how unhealthy. Sometimes some things that just are needed for that specific moment. It's necessary. But when I'm in survival mode, I think I may be really unhealthy sometimes. And then sometimes I may get healthy with it. I do meditate when I have time, whether it's ten minutes, five minutes, two minutes. Whatever it is, I try to make sure that I meditate and try to center myself. Because sometimes I really feel like, especially if you're like me and you're a fireball and you are easily triggered sometimes, you have to center yourself. And learn what that looks like and feels like for as long as it can last. Like some people, I can only center myself for about a good three hours until I'm like, alright, somebody else is pissing me off. Let me go ahead and meditate again. But then there's other times where I am in a dream land. I can literally daydream all day. Or sometimes work is my form of like escapism, getting away from things, researching, reading books, old books, or listening to old music or reading about a musician, things like that. Researching is something that I really do enjoy to get away from things, you know, to stop thinking about things because I am obsessive when it comes to sad shit. I know that sounds crazy, but as an empath --.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: I literally want to understand why somebody is sad, why they feel this way. And then once I hear it -- or even with my friends and family, if they're sad, I want to talk to them. And then I carry it.
Sylvia: That's so real because it's like, literally just surviving from one point to the next. And I think that there's the healthy ways and unhealthy ways that we do that. I love that you brought up that difference because that's so real. I think we often all only talk about the healthy ways that we're all coping. And I know like, like I said, for me, that's therapy. For you, that's meditation. For us, it's like, you know, be there for our loved ones to feel like we're doing something because we feel helpless in every other way. But then there's, like you said, them unhealthy ass ways. And I would like us to dig into that a little bit because honestly, 20/20 was like, fuck what's healthy and unhealthy, I'm just trying to get by. I'm just trying to be here in 2021.
Scottie: Facts.
Sylvia: I have a fridge full of wine and I ain't ashamed to say it. And, you know, those who know me know I've always loved the wine. So I really [laughs], so I really love wine now. Like I feel doctors don't even ask you how many times a week you drink anymore. Because it's like, well bitch, it's like every night. I don't know what I'll tell you.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: Like, I have a glass of wine every night. That's where I'm at.
Scottie: Right. We need to do whatever we need to do at this point. You know, like, I don't care. Do what you need to get by. Do what you need to feel good. I want us to start living.
Sylvia: So like we've talked about, like coping on a micro level, just as individuals in our homes and day to day. But there's also the big question and debate about like on a macro level, how do we as Black women, how do we as a Black community, how do we as Americans cope with these huge injustices that we're facing? Usually because of where we are and because of these social media apps that tends to happen on these Internet streets and then also in the actual streets with the protests and then the whole debates about rioting. Like, what do you, what do you what do you make about the way the zeitgeist handles -- or copes with these injustices? Like, for example, because Breonna Taylor happened this week, we saw it go from her -- like when Breonna Ta -- when the grand jury came out, a lot of people's instinct is head to Twitter. And I know you have some feelings about that. So I wanted to like get your, your thoughts on, like, how we as Black people -- I mean, how we as people in general, cus that's beyond just Black community, feel the need to collectively grieve on the Internet.
Scottie: I think Internet is an overly sensitive place. And as an overly sensitive person like myself, I chose specifically, me, to try to process things first without running to Twitter to be something for somebody else. Because my emotions are -- run wild and I am severely passionate, I have to stop and think and process first and try to put my needs as an emotional person, as a passionate person first. And then be something to someone else, being something to somebody on Twitter or Instagram. And be helpful and useful to somebody on Instagram and Twitter because angry Scottie doesn't want to be useful or helpful. Angry Scottie wants to make sure that people know how disgusted I am and disrespected I feel when things like this happened. And I get that this has become a safe space for a lot of people. But seeing -- hah -- seeing a lot of people share how they feel and then often have to back it up or go back and forth with somebody because that person doesn't feel like, like that person should be feeling this way. It just feels counterpro -- productive. It sounds, it sounds like something that shouldn't be happening, especially when you are dealing with so many emotions at one time. Then you have somebody telling you that you shouldn't feel this way and this is why you shouldn't feel this way. Then you're dealing with everybody else's opinions. And you didn't even get a moment to actually deal with your own. You just put them up and then you'll deal with them later. But knowing that you have, you know, Twitter followers who may not agree with you at the time, tell you that your feelings are invalid, then what? Like I want us to start sometimes -- I'm not saying all the time. But I'm saying I want us to sometimes take the urgency out of running to Twitter and Instagram and actually processing it for yourself first. I'm not saying take it a day -- take a day, take and -- a month, a week. I'm not saying that. I'm saying take whatever time you think you need to really figure out how you feel, whether it be two minutes, whether it be an hour. Take a moment. Twitter's not going nowhere. Instagram is not going nowhere. And hopefully you can process how you feel about certain shit. I'm not saying deal with it. You can't heal in a matter of minutes and hours. But at least you'll understand some of what you feel.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: Instead of having to put it up on Twitter and then have somebody try to persuade you into feeling a different way when you should be ten toes down on how you motherfucking feel and then go forward, you know. And I think sometimes a lot of us, like a lot of women who are influencers or, you know, big on social media have to learn -- hah -- that you can't, you can't do that every time. Because the bashing that I've gotten. I wasn't prepared for that. I remember I had spoke about sexual assault and how wrong it was and how horrible it is. Tweeted about it. And I caught so much hell --.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: For standing behind victims of sexual assault.
Scottie: Thank God that I'm ten toes down about it and I'm not moving about it, period. But it can be a real traumatizing thing --.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: To watch people try to tell you that you are wrong about feeling this way.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: So, yeah. Anyway, I say that all to say, you know, sometimes I just want us to take a moment for ourselves, not for anybody else. Not for them niggas on Twitter, but for yourself. And step into it. Step in to your tweet confidently, you know, step into it, you know, without thinking, oh I'ma have to back this up. Oh I'ma have to fight these niggas off. Oh I'm --.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: No, you don't. No, you don't. You feel how you feel. You know. So it could be a bit discouraging to watch a bunch of people tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you feel. So, yeah, that's what I was saying.
Sylvia: No, I agree. I mean, I get that because gaslighting is real. And a lot of that is the reason why I tend to, when I tweet, my -- the one thing I have to say, I've grown to say what I have to say and logoff. Because what -- nothing hurts me more then when I see Black women. Like I was like in the field, literally going back and forth to people who don't deserve their energy and they're being re traumatized about the trauma that we're trying to cope with. And it just, it's a cycle. And it's -- it's infuriating and it's enough to drive people to a very dark place. I want us to free ourselves from the need to justify our thoughts. We said what we said, argue with yourself. You know what I mean, that's where I feel like -- because I think the idea that we can change people's minds by going back forth with them, that rarely turns out to be the result. It's very rare --.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Child, that ain't it.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] That I see a back and forth Twitter exchange and the person at the end is like, you know what, girl? You right!
Scottie: [crosstalk] You're right.
Sylvia: Like it's like, [laughter] so it's not -- so it's not going to, it's not going to -- It's not worth it. That's all -- a lot of times I tell people it's not worth it. And I get what you're saying. I remember when I wrote my hip hop Me Too story and that shit hit.
Sylvia: Oh man.
Scottie: And I remember when I -- and it's always when, you know, like when Deray -- shout out to Deray. When Deray retweeted it, I said, aw hell. And I knew because that that -- literally and I was watching Black women battle because I refused to at a certain point. And that's a thing I've kept with me and Scottie knows this about me. We, we have the philosophies where I'm like, I'm like, I'm not arguing with people anymore. Because I do that enough in real life. I literally was not -- but I saw Black women doing it for me going back and forth. And that -- while I love us for that, because we really all we got, it pains me because I didn't write this for them to have to do this.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right.
Sylvia: I wrote this for the people to read it so that they could either learn something or continue to be ignorant. But I said and I actually tweeted this and I'm actually glad -- I like that I did in moment because I was like, if you're a Black man and you've read this story and you feel bad about it and you're wondering what you can do, you can start by being the one to respond to your fellow brothers in these responses and save the Black woman from doing that. I literally said, if you're a Black woman, I don't want to see you arguing with anybody in this thread. If you're a Black man, go for it. Because you know what? We're talking -- like this is what it is. White people who want to be allies, if you really want -- you know, if you're looking for your little way to use your little Twitter fingers for good, how about you go in and argue the point so that the Black women don't have to underneath their tweets? I also love, love, love, live, love and live for this new Twitter feature that allows you to limit who can respond to it, because I actively use that during these times as well these days. That's a new feature.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Yeah.
Sylvia: And people can still, quote, tweet you, but at least it's not in the thread. It's somewhere else. And it's like, keep that --
Scottie: [crosstalk] But you know, you that -- I see that shit and I still --
Sylvia: [crosstalk] [laughs] No, I know there's always a loophole. There's still always a loophole.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: And that's why I say, log off. And sometimes even leave it to the professionals. As a Black woman journalist, I still have that training, even though I'm not actively in a newsroom right now and I'm so thankful for it. But, you know, it's -- that's our job. That's -- you know, that's why I love people like Yamiche. And I love, like, you know, the other Black women in media who are like they get there, they -- it's their job. They get on there to make sure that this is something people know about. Like, I get the pressure to feel like if I don't say it, niggas ain't gonna know. You know what I mean. Or white people aren't going to realize. [laughter] And it's like there's literally journalist on Twitter whose job it is --.
Scottie: I could do it.
Sylvia: To do it. You could, you could really just take a leave it to like leave it to us in that moment and also know that like collective grief is a real thing and that somebody who lives alone. I get it. Like, I get the need to feel like I just need to talk about this in the place where people are talking about it with me. Or I know what it feels like to see somebody's tweet and feel understood. With the -- like with the nuance and opinion that like a journalist isn't allowed to give professionally. Because unlike a journalist, Scottie can tweet, burn it down. When I'm working for a newsroom, I can't. Right, even if that's how I feel. So I get the -- I get the the comfort that comes with going to your fave's timeline and seeing that she feels just how you do and you're not crazy. Because they be gaslighting us out here to feel like we're crazy, but logoff, logoff. I get that. And I also think and I think it's --.
Scottie: So stressful.
Sylvia: It's super stressful in the moment. But then the balance, the balance is, is that we know that this is kind of also our way to protest. Like some of us can't actually go into the streets, especially right now during the pandemic. So Twitter is how they do that. Black Lives Matter started as a hashtag and people are in that cycle of, this is the only thing that seems to be working is us to be loud, loud. But then as the Internet develops and becomes even more and more of its own ugly creature, things like the meme-ification that Breonna Taylor happen. Which Scottie, I've seen you actively talk about your frustration with that. And I agree. Like I think it's not about tweeting about Breoona Taylor for, for likes or for retweets or even making her like a joke, like in some type of way. Cus there's nothing funny about what happened to her.
Scottie: Right. Like people posting their own photos. And then, being like, any way, you know, arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor or --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] Or now, that I have your attention --.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right. Please post --
Sylvia: [crosstalk] [inaudible] Yeah.
Scottie: It just it --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] It's complicated, but it it's annoying--.
Scottie: It loses its meaning to me.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Scottie: And I don't appreciate that. I get what Internet culture is and what it's evolving to become. But -- and I don't believe that Breonna Taylor's mother would want her daughter's name to be a temporary fad, right.
Sylvia: A trend.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Something that's a trend.--.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] We want it to trend. Want it to trend but she's not a trend.
Scottie: It's not in good taste for me.
Sylvia: It's not -- it's tacky. A lot of the meme stuff is tacky.
Scottie: [crosstalk] It's really tacky.
Sylvia: And I think that people just get caught up. It's like a lot of it is like group think. You see somebody doing that and you're thinking it's helpful. So you do it, too. But then the thing is that there's a lot people who are doing it not to even be helpful. They think it's funny. And that's the disgusting part about it. It's usually not for nothing white people or trolls who are pretending to be Black, who will come in and start meme-ing stuff. Like I see sometimes and I'll see, I'm like this doesn't even seem like a Black page. But then people see it and then there's actual Black people who are thinking, this is helpful. So let me do it, too. And it's like, no, think. Stop and think for a second what you -- what you're asking people to do and realize like this is making her a joke. And she's not a joke. But I do think that, like, as the Internet continues to develop, unfortunately, I think that as we make these people hashtags, I want it to stop. I hope that people learned their lesson with Breonna Taylor because she doesn't deserve to be a meme. But people make jokes that -- like they made jokes about Meg Thee Stallion getting shot. They make jokes about all these things. And it's like, it's not funny. But I also understand that it doesn't mean that we need to stop talking about these people on the Internet because --
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right. This is --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] That's the only way to get their attention.
Scottie: This is really all ab -- really, the question is, how do you consume your information? How do you find your information? How are you finding it? How do you ingest you information? And I think from there, we can work forward because how you usually receive information is literally how you're going to spew it. How you're going to, you know, give it back to others.
Sylvia: It's a ecosystem. I think we need to get more intentional. We need to do our research. We need to verify information, and we need to be productive. I think there's a way to be productive online when it comes to these -- the Black Lives Matter movement and just activism in general and trying to find the solutions. And I love that when I see the -- those those things happen, whether it's the organization of the protest, especially earlier this year when there was George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery, I saw the internet used in a very beautiful way. We used it for bail funds. We used it to -- for GoFundMe for the families, so they didn't have to wait for, you know, the city to give them the money they deserve. Or like we saw it for -wWe saw in the way that we organized and even corrected the lies that were being told about the protesters or what the police were doing to the protesters.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right.
Sylvia: Those are the moments when, as a collective, we are using social media to our power. Let's stick with that, more of that.
Scottie: Right.
Sylvia: And less of us bickering or arguing among ourselves or allowing people to gaslight us when we know they're dumb and they're wrong. Save your energy.
Scottie: Yeah.
Sylvia: Save your sanity for the work. We're trying to save the world on E. And I'm tired of it.
Scottie: [crosstalk] Right. Right.
Sylvia: And I just -- But what -- but don't waste the little bit of gas you got left.
Scottie: On those that don't deserve it. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
Sylvia: So that's, at least that's what at least me and Scottie are -- And I know we're not the only ones. But when it comes to try to figure out how to cope and be online, I hope some of this helps because I think that's just how I try to go about it. I try to be productive, I try to be intentional, I try to verify it, I get in, I get out. [laughs].
Scottie: [crosstalk] Yep. Yep.
Sylvia: Like and that's -- And that's the Black ass bottom line of that. But Black women, listen, lean in, turn the volume up, hear me closely, stop multitasking while listening to this podcast and hear me when I say this one moment: Put yourself first. Put yourself first. Put your mental health, your feelings, even if all you can spare is an hour a day, try to put yourself first for that. Cause we're running ourselves ragged trying to save these these people who don't care a damn thing about us. That's all I gotta say.
[Music in]
Scottie: Mhmm. Take a break, sis.We talked a lot about some of the ways we're doing our best to handle the weight of the world. And we wanted to end the show with a few more suggestions to help Black women. Sylvia, what do you want to recommend today?
[Music out]
Sylvia: Today, I want to recommend a simple but favorite key way that I escape when the world gets to be too much for me, which is taking a bubble bath. Now, a bath may sound like just a simple thing, but it's one of the best ways to romance yourself and have self care and really just drown out everything. So in my bath, I like to always do a bubble bath of some sort. I think a lot of people think they have to get special bubble bath. But a lot of times, whatever bath wash or body wash you use, if you pour under running water, things will foam up. So like, you know, if you don't have a -- you know, you don't have an -- a special bubble bath, like you can just use your body wash, using your husband’s body wash, your child's body wash, whatever. You know, like it's there. I also like to think -- take things to the next level with a bunch of candles, you know, get whatever candles you can. Like to set the tone. Turn off the lights because I think, like, it allows me to relax in the dark because I like the soft glow of candles. A good playlist is key. But there's also, in addition to those things, some things you can do to just take the bath to the next level, whether that's bath salts. A lot of people don't realize you can put baking soda in your bath water. That's helpful too. Most people have that in their fridge. If you want to take things to the next level, add some petals. Don't wait for a man to add rose petals under your feet, girl. Put some in your bath water. Go to the -- when you're going to the grocery store, grab yourself a little cheap bouquet of whatever, take the petals off, put it in the tub. Just the ambiance in itself is helpful. Pink Himalayan salt is one of my favorite salts. I like to do aromatherapy oils like lavender. Things that help you breathe deep and relax even if you're just putting a little bit under your nose before you get in. If you really want to get fancy, put some powdered milk in that John. Just --.
Scottie: Powdered milk?
Sylvia: Just know I told you. It's like, it comes in like, there's like, sometimes like goat or like buttermilk, but like, there's like powdered milk in it. It's good for the skin. Or you can just what's some oil -- like, you know, even like whatever oils you use. Not not the hair oils, unless there is a kind of hair oil that can be put on your body. But all of that stuff. The good news is it's not only will you come out more relaxed, but you'll also come out with silky smooth skin. So these are all things you can do to enhance your bath. But really, at the end of day, the main key things is letting warm water engulf you. I even like getting a little bath shelves. A lot of people don't know they sell them at like, most stores. Mine is from Urban Outfitters, where you can put like a glass of wine on it. You can put your book on it and so you can read during this time. You can put a candle on there. And just spend -- you can even put your iPad and watch a little favorite show if you want to. But I think it's just the perfect way to literally shut the world out and create your own environment in your bathroom. Most bathrooms are a smaller room so it's easier to create a vibe within there. And give yourself like 30 minutes. I think especially for the people who don't live alone, like it's the easiest way to escape all them niggas in your house. Cus everybody, at least, usually let you take a shower by yourself, minimum. I know a lot of parents -- I hear you guys escape, you know, in the bathroom often from your children. So I just want to suggest everybody take a nice bath, girl. You deserve it, boo. It don't got to be three hours long. It really only takes about 20 minutes for you to really relax up there, fit yourself a good five songs in. There's levels to it. So pick the level and enjoy yourself. How about you, Scottie? What you got?
Scottie: My recommendation would be meditation. Meditating. A quick meditation. Since you mentioned like, bath, you can do a tub meditation or, you know, meditate in your bathroom. Sometimes I like to run the water and meditate because I like the sound of the water. It's consistent and it's, it eases my mind and it, you know, it just breaks down stress in my body. Breathing deeply and actually, like, releasing thoughts in my mind helps me a lot. This is the only time too where I get to be easy on myself too. Like I know people like, why -- how do you meditate, you know? I'm thinking about other things. And I'm like, yeah, you don't -- you, you shouldn't be hard on yourself that you're thinking about those things. You just acknowledge them and then you let them go.
Sylvia: Oooh. Mmm.
Scottie: You keep trying. You keep doing it. So focusing on just being present in any way, shape or form helps the body some. If you are meditating and you're focusing on trying to think of nothing or trying to think of, you know --.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] It's me.
Scottie: Not focusing on things.
Sylvia: [crosstalk] [laughs] That's me.
Scottie: Right. The key is to focus, focus on being. You know, focus on being there, being present, not why you're doing it. Don't focus on who or who you're trying to run from, what -- you know, what problems you're trying to figure out through meditating. No. It's literally just taking that time for yourself and focus on being. That is it.
Sylvia: I struggle to meditate often because I often think I have to make it this whole thing. The same way I make my bath an experience. Like I feel like I'm like, oh, I have to go put on some yoga pants, pull out a yoga mat, sit down somewhere, you know, put on some like, chants or something and sit with my legs crossed and my hands out and hum. I don't know. But I feel like it's like something that I have to make complete time for in my day versus something that I can incorporate while -- because the whole point is to not multitask, but I think, I don't think about the places where I can just stop and do that. But I -- it sounds like what you're saying is like you can meditate anywhere.
Scottie: Well, the priority is your mind. Like the candles, the things that you're surrounded by doesn't really matter. The number one priority should be your mind and, and resting your mind and relax -- relaxing your body and breathing deeply. So all those things, yes, those are really cool to have and they're really dope to have. But, you know, the main three priorities are about your body and mind. And your heart, of course. So, yeah, I think, I think that's it.
Sylvia: Cool. Well --
Scottie: That's all.
Sylvia: That's our show, ladies. I'm only talking to the ladies. That's our show. Thank you for tuning in. [laughs]
[Music in].
Sylvia: That's where I'm at this week.
Scottie: For real. Our show's a production of Pineapple's Street Studios in partnership with Netflix and Strong Black Lead. Shout out to our team. Executive producers are Agerenesh Ashagre and Jasmyn Lawson. Our lead producer is Jess Jupiter. And our Associate Producer is Taylor Hosking. Our Music is by Amanda Jones. Special thanks to Max Linsky and Jenna Weiss-Berman.
Sylvia: Make sure you share your thoughts with us on the episode using the #OkayNowListen. Follow Strong Black Lead on the socials @Strong BlackLead and follow us too. I'm @Sylvia Obell.
Scottie: And I'm @Scottie Beam.
Sylvia: Until next time, folks, just try.
Scottie: Please try because I can't do it.
[Music out]